Unfulfilled wish

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Zebragirly
OBOD Bard
Posts: 2
Joined: 23 Jan 2014, 13:41
Gender: Female
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Unfulfilled wish

Postby Zebragirly » 21 Oct 2015, 07:43

Hi everone,

I am working through the Bardic course for almost two years, I love the exercises and information. Yet something is troubling my mind. I have always had a deep connection with nature, but lately I'm not feeling it the way I used to. I think I know the reason. For years my husband and I have tried to get pregnant, (7 years), and we even got pregnant in 2012 but lost our babygirl in the 24th week of pregnancy. Last year we decided that it wasn't our destiny to have a child, and stopped all treatments. I just couldn't find the energy to go on. But it wasn't an easy decision. I still feel like a mother without a child. I still miss it, I miss having a family, having the joy of a child. The emotions go very deep. I am not regretting the decision, but I have difficulty finding a new meaning to life.
I try to put these emotions in rituals, I tried to let go of my wish. Sometimes I'm angry, maybe even furious, sometimes I'm just sad and cry. There are weeks that I'm feeling good, and don't think about it that much. I try to find a new path in life. But these things always slumber in the background. So when I'm meditating, visualising or whatever, I feel like I'm not making a connection. I think that my emotions are in the way. I used to feel the energy of nature, to feel great joy when I was outside. But I think I'm holding myself back. I have to admit, that maybe I'm angry with Mother Nature. I don't really know how to handle that. How can I let go of this feeling? I know I have to go on without a child, and it takes time to find a new meaning in life. And I also know that you don't always get what you want. But anger with life itself? How can I feel like that? It's just that I feel like that a life without a child isn't the way it's supposed to be. I feel like I miss out on an important part of life. Seeing your child grow up, having a meaningful relationship with him or her. I'm working with all these emotions and I'm trying hard to find hobby's and things to do that make me feel good. But it's still hard.
Druidry helps me, but I feel like I'm holding myself back.I would really like to feel the deep connection with nature again, but this anger is in the way. Maybe anyone here has suggestions? Maybe someone knows a ritual for cleansing emotions? Anyway, it's also great to be able to share my story here. And sorry if my english isn't really good. I'm from the Netherlands. :)

Zebragirly
Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds. - Jason Mraz

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Heddwen
OBOD Druid
Posts: 3120
Joined: 26 Sep 2007, 16:06
Gender: Female
Location: West Wales
Contact:

Re: Unfulfilled wish

Postby Heddwen » 21 Oct 2015, 09:19

Hi everone,

I am working through the Bardic course for almost two years, I love the exercises and information. Yet something is troubling my mind. I have always had a deep connection with nature, but lately I'm not feeling it the way I used to. I think I know the reason. For years my husband and I have tried to get pregnant, (7 years), and we even got pregnant in 2012 but lost our babygirl in the 24th week of pregnancy. Last year we decided that it wasn't our destiny to have a child, and stopped all treatments. I just couldn't find the energy to go on. But it wasn't an easy decision. I still feel like a mother without a child. I still miss it, I miss having a family, having the joy of a child. The emotions go very deep. I am not regretting the decision, but I have difficulty finding a new meaning to life.
I try to put these emotions in rituals, I tried to let go of my wish. Sometimes I'm angry, maybe even furious, sometimes I'm just sad and cry. There are weeks that I'm feeling good, and don't think about it that much. I try to find a new path in life. But these things always slumber in the background. So when I'm meditating, visualising or whatever, I feel like I'm not making a connection. I think that my emotions are in the way. I used to feel the energy of nature, to feel great joy when I was outside. But I think I'm holding myself back. I have to admit, that maybe I'm angry with Mother Nature. I don't really know how to handle that. How can I let go of this feeling? I know I have to go on without a child, and it takes time to find a new meaning in life. And I also know that you don't always get what you want. But anger with life itself? How can I feel like that? It's just that I feel like that a life without a child isn't the way it's supposed to be. I feel like I miss out on an important part of life. Seeing your child grow up, having a meaningful relationship with him or her. I'm working with all these emotions and I'm trying hard to find hobby's and things to do that make me feel good. But it's still hard.
Druidry helps me, but I feel like I'm holding myself back.I would really like to feel the deep connection with nature again, but this anger is in the way. Maybe anyone here has suggestions? Maybe someone knows a ritual for cleansing emotions? Anyway, it's also great to be able to share my story here. And sorry if my english isn't really good. I'm from the Netherlands. :)

Zebragirly

Hi Zebragirly, welcome to the course and to the board. I'm sorry to hear of your predicament, but have you thought about counselling? It may help you with those feelings of anger and loss that you're experiencing. Also, try and get out in nature and try and connect as much as possible. Nature can be a very healing thing.

Good luck with everything,

Heddwen


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