Prepare to laugh/groan...

A place for games, jokes and general clean fun and merriment
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Please check any gloominess at the door and come inside where mirth and merriment abound! This is the place for games, stories, jokes, and general hilarity—just keep it clean, please, and remember, no deep, thought-provoking discussions allowed! Host: Heddwen
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treegod
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby treegod » 26 Sep 2012, 22:10

Why are fish called fish?
Because they're sort of ffff. (yeah, sorry...)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer withg no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

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Ade Sundog
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Ade Sundog » 27 Sep 2012, 20:55

What is the definition of a Gentleman?



Someone who can play the accordian, but doesn't
:sun:

Og - Ha - Be

Make Tea Not War :greenpeace:

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Whitemane » 28 Sep 2012, 18:41

Alcohol and calculus don't mix: don't drink and derive.
May the long time sun shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you,
Guide your way on.

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Sciethe » 07 Oct 2012, 16:51

Two snowmen standing in a field.
One says
"can you smell carrots?"
For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and the sun loves him. For he is of the tribe of Tiger. Christopher Smart

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treegod
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby treegod » 13 Oct 2012, 20:03

Why did the dyslexic hippy convert to Mormonism?

He thought he was walking into the LSD Church.

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Rem
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Rem » 12 May 2013, 21:57

One from my driving instructor which always made him break down laughing while writing down my next driving lesson time:

What time is the perfect time to see your chinese dentist?
2.30
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. :D

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby LadyAoftheshire » 13 May 2013, 17:54

Today a truck carrying hair growth enhancer crashed spilling its contents. Police are combing the area for evidence.

Its been reported that someone has cut a hole in the fence of the nudist colony. Police are looking into it
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.- Davinci
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow" Mary Anne Radmacher
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby druidkat7 » 11 Sep 2013, 07:57

Ironically, the only joke I didn't get was the one where the farmer lost his tractor...maybe I'm taking it too literally, but I think anyone would say "Where's my tractor?" if they've mislaid some necessary equipment.

Everything else was hilarious! I loved the one about the dinosaur exhibit! "Remains to be seen."

Well, let's see if I can contribute...

How about this one:

One day, a rather naive youngster was found to be standing on his little stepstool at the stove putting, to his mother's horror, books in a hot pan of water.
"What the heck are you doing? Why are you putting books in boiling water?"
"Well, you see, they DO say "cook-books," so I'm cooking them, just as the titles say to do."

....or how about the story of the rodent who made his home in the walls of a computer nerd's house because he thought it would be cool to have a mouse pad.

and...

What did the fantasy geek say when he found a stowaway piece of fried onion amongst his french fries?

"One Ring To Rule Them All!"

(My better jokes are off-the-cuff, played off against other people's jokes in person. You should see my dad and me riff off one another's puns...)
"Change we must, to live again!"--Jon Anderson

"Without hope, you cannot start the day!"--Jon Anderson

"Never underestimate the power that's given to you!"--Jon Anderson


"Use the force, Luke!"--Obi-Wan Kenobi

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Aphritha » 11 Sep 2013, 17:20

Ironically, the only joke I didn't get was the one where the farmer lost his tractor...maybe I'm taking it too literally, but I think anyone would say "Where's my tractor?" if they've mislaid some necessary equipment.
You see, this is the point! Its supposed to be taken literally...of course the farmer would ask where his tractor is! But no one ever guesses that...
I think this joke is funnier for the person telling it.
One day, a rather naive youngster was found to be standing on his little stepstool at the stove putting, to his mother's horror, books in a hot pan of water.
"What the heck are you doing? Why are you putting books in boiling water?"
"Well, you see, they DO say "cook-books," so I'm cooking them, just as the titles say to do."
Sounds like something my son would do.


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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby PeteBranduir » 16 Sep 2014, 23:01

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A small boy who can't reach the doorbell.
If at first you don't succeed, I hope it wasn't brain surgery.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby treegod » 17 Sep 2014, 08:29

Ironically, the only joke I didn't get was the one where the farmer lost his tractor...maybe I'm taking it too literally, but I think anyone would say "Where's my tractor?" if they've mislaid some necessary equipment.
You see, this is the point! Its supposed to be taken literally...of course the farmer would ask where his tractor is! But no one ever guesses that...
I think this joke is funnier for the person telling it.
I had the same problem with "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "To get to the other side." I think I was four or five when I was told that joke, and I didn't understand it for a long time.

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby PeteBranduir » 17 Sep 2014, 17:25

Ironically, the only joke I didn't get was the one where the farmer lost his tractor...maybe I'm taking it too literally, but I think anyone would say "Where's my tractor?" if they've mislaid some necessary equipment.
You see, this is the point! Its supposed to be taken literally...of course the farmer would ask where his tractor is! But no one ever guesses that...
I think this joke is funnier for the person telling it.
I had the same problem with "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "To get to the other side." I think I was four or five when I was told that joke, and I didn't understand it for a long time.
I do increasingly get the impression that the anti-joke is an acquired taste.
If at first you don't succeed, I hope it wasn't brain surgery.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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treegod
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby treegod » 17 Sep 2014, 21:35

I do increasingly get the impression that the anti-joke is an acquired taste.
Yes, aquired after 5 years old. :roll:

Another:

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers* and asks for five pints of beer.










* V, of course :wink:

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby PeteBranduir » 17 Sep 2014, 22:39

What do you get if you cross the desert with an arrogant mindset?

Lost.
If at first you don't succeed, I hope it wasn't brain surgery.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Badmoose » 22 Sep 2014, 19:05

It's difficult to explain puns to a kelptomaniac because they take things literally.

A programmer's wife asks the programmer to go to the market for a loaf of bread.
"If they have eggs, get a dozen," she adds.
He returns home with twelve loaves.
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Mountainheart » 22 Sep 2014, 21:01

It's difficult to explain puns to a kelptomaniac because they take things literally.
:applause:

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Badmoose » 23 Sep 2014, 18:43

News headline: "Half-man/Half-machine charged with battery"
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PeteBranduir
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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby PeteBranduir » 23 Sep 2014, 19:09

There was a report in the newspaper today that police had caught a cerial firework thief but that after questioning they had let him off.
If at first you don't succeed, I hope it wasn't brain surgery.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Re: Prepare to laugh/groan...

Postby Badmoose » 23 Sep 2014, 22:04

Descartes was finishing his dinner when his server asked, "More wine, sir?"
"I think not," Descartes replied, and promptly vanished.
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