Pub Crawl: "Ichi... Ni... San... Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..

Herein are contained classic stories and other timeless threads penned by patrons of the Druid's Head Pub. To suggest additions, please contact the Moderator.
User avatar
Crow
OBOD Druid
Posts: 4662
Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
Gender: Male
Location: East Coast, U.S.A.

Postby Crow » 10 Sep 2004, 18:15

Crow was looking at the screen of Selene’s laptop just when the portobello-laden CD-ROM drawer slid shut, and with Craig’s cry of “Shiiiiiiii” ringing in his ears, the world began to spin again.

He had time to think that this was probably the end. No more would he write for The Pagan Press. No more would he have to worry about encountering Mrs. Crow’s rolling pin when he staggered home late from another assignment. No more would he have to worry about what would become of the little Crowlings back in the nest.

No, he reflected, they’d already seen the mysterious powers of the portobello mushroom, and combined with the nearly infinite power of Selene’s laptop computer, the possibilities seemed endless and frightening.

He thought about what had been on the screen just when the CD-ROM drawer snapped shut. Selene had been performing a Google search, he remembered. The Foggy Duck companions had been reading about the properties of portobello mushrooms, and Selene had come across a link that explored how their magical properties could be enhanced or influenced by combining the mushrooms with various other foods. One that had seemed most promising was to combine the mushrooms with a bland fish, and so Selene had just typed the word “sole” into the Google search window and hit enter when the CD-ROM door snapped shut.

The world’s spinning began to slow, and Crow realized that he and the others were arriving somewhere. He took a deep breath, expecting at any second to find himself hundreds of feet beneath the ocean, in the home of the fishes. Soon, he thought, very soon he and the others would be crushed flat as flounders by the overwhelming pressure of the sea.

Then with a jarring thud, everyone landed. Crow happened to land facing Beith, and the first thing he noticed was her glazed, slack-jawed expression.

Looking around, Crow saw that they were not hundreds of feet below the waves after all. They were some place far worse. They were just outside a huge building, bigger than the biggest aircraft hangar he’d ever seen, and the letters on the window glass read, “Soles Shoe Factory – The Source for Stiletto Heels since 1862”

Suddenly Beith was up and running, and the others were in pursuit. Billy Joe Bob was chasing the redhead on his Harley, while Lady Moon Chaser twirled a lasso as she raced along astride Moon. Rancid and Storm were barking and running, while Moon Cloud whipped herself into a waterspout and chased along. But Beith, babbling incomprehensibly, outpaced them all.

Crow just sighed and whipped out his reporter’s notebook. No use in getting all tired out, he thought. It looked like they could be here awhile …
Last edited by Crow on 21 Sep 2004, 16:07, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Kat Lady
OBOD Druid
Posts: 6824
Joined: 07 Jul 2004, 02:00
Gender: Female
Contact:

Postby Kat Lady » 11 Sep 2004, 01:54

Beith ran as fast as her feet could carry her and reaching the double doors she grabbed the rusted handles and woosh, the doors opened on their own accord. There she stood, speechless and songless for the first time since this adventure began, eyes wide open, mouth agape at the sight before her: rows and rows of shoes, glorious shoes!

Billy Joe Bob was the next to arrive, followed by Moonchaser on Moon and then Moon Cloud, Craig, Jeb and the others. Selene brought up the rear, attempting another Yahoo search on her beloved laptop. The foggy Duckites starred in awe at the sight before them. There were millions, no, zillions of shoes. There were clown shoes, dancing shoes, elephant shoes, all lined by size, category, color, shape. There were Faerie shoes, golf shoes, huge shoes, illuminated shoes, jungle shoes, kangaroo shoes...well, you get the point...there were SHOES!!!

Billy Joe Bob grabbed at Beith as she sprinted to the the first row of shoes, a maniacal cackle escaping her lips. He missed by a wisp of her red hair, almost tripping over Craig in the process. She ran through the rows chanting, "Shoes, shoes, shoes," all the way. Moon Cloud shrugged her cumulus shoulders (or what was thought to be her shoulders) and said, "If you can't beat em, join em! Besides, I need a new pair of duck boots myself" and floated after the chanting Beith.

Billy Joe Bob agreed that he certainly could use a new pair of hogs for his Harley, and Craig thought a pair of wading boots might be useful if they had a swim in the Cider again and he and Jeb headed toward where the "W" shoes were stacked.

Outside, Selene said "*!" (editors note: bleeped before anyone had a chance to even think it.) "My battery died!"

This made Crow look up from his reporters notebook, fear in his eyes for the first time. "The everlasting, gobstopper of a battery is...dead? But how?"

"The 'shroom must have eaten through it like acid," came the reply from the obviously frustrated Selene.

At that moment, a cheshire grin appeared right beside Crow and was soon followed by the rest of Kat. "Does someone need a battery?" she queried. "I believe I may have a purrrrfectly good one here under my collar." She began rumaging under her collar, and pulled out a sundry of Kat items: string, a milk bottle ring, a toy mouse, a tinkle ball...all while Selene and Crow looked on with eyebrows raised and matching frowns on their faces.

"What?" she asked them. "Oh! That! When I ate the 'shroom I was thinking of how our adventure was a lot like Alice's when 'poof' there we were."

Crow and Selene continued to stare at her under furrowed brows.

"I suppose I should eat crow...Oh! Sorry! I suppose I should apologize or something, " Kat started, but was interrupted by Jeb's voice floating through the warehouse of shoes, "WALTER! "
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.--Mark Twain

Image

User avatar
Crow
OBOD Druid
Posts: 4662
Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
Gender: Male
Location: East Coast, U.S.A.

Postby Crow » 11 Sep 2004, 07:27

Even with everyone chasing her, including Billy Joe Bob on his Harley and Lady Moon Chaser on her horse, no one could catch Beith, who raced frantically from shelf to shelf picking up shoes.

As had been the case so many times before, it was Night Hawk who saved the day.

While most everyone else was trying to catch Beith, the little bird had been looking around and had spied a row of shelves that no one else had seen. A sign above these shelves read “Tree Shoes.” Here, Night Hawk saw many styles, all inspired by various species of trees. She finally found exactly what she was looking for, a pair with the characteristic white and black markings of a birch tree, complete with artificial leaves that seemed to grow out of the stiletto heels.

Grasping these shoes in her powerful little beak, Night Hawk flew toward Beith and hovered there, eventually drawing the Irish girl’s attention. Beith, already with an armload of at least 20 pairs, stared at the birch shoes, a look of longing in her eyes. Finally she dropped all the shoes she was carrying and shrieked, “Oooooh, give them to me!” But Night Hawk continued to hover just out of reach, and so she led Beith -- who was frantically running and jumping in her efforts to grab the shoes -- across the floor and straight to Lady Moon Chaser, who was ready with her lariat.

Beith was soon firmly secured, and she wept bitterly until Night Hawk, taking pity on her, gave her the birch shoes, which calmed her like a baby with a pacifier.

Everyone now gathered around the prone figure of their fallen friend.

Crow wrote in his notebook.

Stillpoint muttered to herself, “How did I get mixed up with these people?”

“What do we do now?” asked Jeb.

“This is going to make one helluva poem,” said Carragh.

“Selene will figure something out, won’t you Selene?” asked Craig.

“Hate to break it to you, but the laptop’s battery is dead,” said Selene.

But then Kat Lady, who had been trying to get Crow’s and Selene’s attention, again sidled up, smiling like a Cheshire cat, and rubbed against Selene’s leg.

“Kat Lady, stop that!” said Selene, but then feeling something about the Kat’s collar, she took a closer look. “What’s this?” asked Selene. “Why look everybody,” she said, pulling out the object that had been hidden behind the collar. “It’s one of those special battery-powered dog collars that are used with invisible fences. Where did you get this, Kat Lady?”

“That’s Storm’s collar!” shouted Lady Moon Chaser. “Now I know how he got out of the yard and was lost last week! Kat Lady, I oughta …”

But Craig broke up what could have become an ugly scene when he asked, “Can the battery from the dog collar be adapted to fit the laptop?” No one was sure, but eventually, after a lot of work, and by using two of Carragh’s hairpins for a bridge, the laptop came suddenly back to life.

They were back in business.

“You know dearies,” said Carragh, “it’s become clear to me that my kinswoman there has a real problem. Smile. I had believed that her fascination with shoes was just a charming little oddity, but from what I’ve observed the last couple of days, I’m beginning to think there might be more going on here than meets the eye.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” said Moon Cloud. “Selene, can you find anything?”

Everyone rested for the next half hour while Selene hammered at the laptop. Finally, just as everyone was beginning to get restless, she said, “This is interesting. It says right here at http://www.ancientirishlegendsthatmoste ... gotten.com that the man who first introduced shoes to Ireland was one Seamus MacLoafer , and …”

At the mention of this name, Beith’s demeanor changed completely. She writhed on the floor, straining at her ropes. She thrashed about madly, mooed like a cow and then barked like a dog, and, perhaps most alarmingly, her head began to spin around 360 degrees while a maniacal grin spread across what once had been a lovely face.

Stillpoint again said to herself, “How did I get mixed up with these people?”

Beith finally quieted, but her head continued to spin, and the room temperature plunged until everyone was shivering and their breath frosted.

Jeb finally voiced what everyone was thinking: “She’s possessed.”

Crow wrote in his notebook.

Rancid and Storm slunk away with their tails between their legs. Moon neighed.

“Selene, what will we do?” Lady Moon Chaser and Moon Cloud asked together.

Selene had not been idle.

“It says right here at http://www.gaelicexorcism.com that the only way to cast out an ancient Irish spirit is to do it on Tara Hill at midnight under a full moon.”

“I can perform the exorcism, sweetie,” said Carragh. “Smile. I have this ancient knowledge.”

“But we’re stuck in this shoe factory!” said Craig, stating the obvious. “You said we need to do it at Tara. How can we get there?”

Encouraged by her recent success, Night Hawk again took charge. “It seems to me that we already possess a means to end this nightmare,” she squeaked. “We have been letting the Portobello mushrooms dictate what happens to us. But we should be able to use them to do what we want.”

“What do you mean, Night Hawk?” asked Kat Lady.

“Just this,” said the little bird. “If someone with a firm resolve and a clear mind eats a mushroom, he or she should be able to make it to take us straight to Tara a few minutes before midnight, and then Carragh can perform the exorcism. And not only that, we’ll be close to where Beith’s moving, and we can get this whole thing over with.”

Everyone just nodded their heads and looked admiringly at Night Hawk, wondering why none of them had thought of it.

“But who can we get with a clear mind and a firm resolve?” asked Jeb. Everyone looked at Stillpoint.

“Stillpoint, can you do this?” asked Moon Cloud.

“I don’t know how I got mixed up with you people,” said Stillpoint, “but I’ll do anything to get out. Give me the damned mushroom.”

Kat Lady pulled out a Portobello burger from where she’d hidden them and handed it to Stillpoint, who took a big bite and started to chew.

Once again the world began to spin.

* * *

It was night, but overhead soared a full moon that cast a pale light upon a dolman on Tara Hill.

Beith howled and writhed on the ground as everyone formed a circle around her.

Billy Joe Bob sat on his Harley and remarked to one of the Singing Movers, “I ain’t seen nothin’ to beat this since I helped out during bull-castratin’ time at the Y.O. Ranch.”

At Carragh’s direction, everyone unloaded the shoes from the back of the van and threw them into a huge pile. They siphoned petrol from the truck and set them alight.

Beith screamed and thrashed and levitated four feet off the ground, but again at Carragh’s direction, everyone took hold of her and brought her back down to earth. Beith’s head continued to revolve, and Carragh said, “Craig, you hold her head.”

Craig hurried to obey, but just then Beith’s head turned and she bit into Craig’s right thumb.

“Shiiiiiiiiiii ….” shouted Craig, while Lady Moon Chaser and Jeb levered the Irish girl’s jaws open. Finally freed, Craig cursed and hopped about the hill in the light of the shoe fire, holding his bleeding hand.

“Oh Craig, stop being so dramatic,” said Kat Lady.

“That dodgy redhead bit off me thumb!” cried Craig, and sure enough, now they all saw the digit laying there on the ground near Beith’s head.

“Men,” said Lady Moon Chaser. “Always complaining about something insignificant.”

“You deserved it for starting this thread,” echoed Moon Cloud.

Finally some order was restored, and while Night Hawk drummed on a hollow log, Carragh began to chant. …

* * *

Dawn broke on Tara Hill. Smoke rose from the ashes of a fire, and a group of people slept in a circle around the figure of a girl with red hair, who was finally free from the rope that had bound her.

Only Crow was awake, still writing the story that he sensed would finally win for him the elusive Paganzer Prize.

As he watched, Beith stirred and sat up.

“Hey everybody,” she said. “Wake up! I’m home!”
Last edited by Crow on 15 Sep 2004, 14:20, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
grian
Posts: 430
Joined: 06 Jul 2004, 09:24
Gender: Female
Location: england, in this dimension....
Contact:

Postby grian » 15 Sep 2004, 08:29

'acksherly, you're the best bunch of (o)bods i've bumbled around with fer a long time' said still, having lost her point in the search for a book with film lyrics in it 'but should'nt we do something about Craig's thumb? it's making a helluva lot of noise there on the floor by Beiths'head.

'mmmmmpghn' replied craig, sucking the place where his thumb should be.

'i think it's his turn to be sat on' quipped Beith, not a McLoafer in sight.

So Mey, LadyMoonChaser, Selene and MoonCloud each sat on his feet, tum and good arm, while Kat Lady held the thumbless hand very gently in her paws, purring all the while to calm him. 'i'llll worrrrrrrk a magick spell on Crrrrrrraig so he won't feeeeeeeel a thinnnnnng' she rumbled softly.

Billy Joe Bob leapt across his trusty steed and roared off to get the emergency blood supplies Carragh had requested, as she could sniff snow coming and the band needed to rally together before the storm broke.

Night Hawk and Jeb went a-huntin for herbs, and Crow looked up some general surgical instructions in his notebook, wondering who was going to find The Magic Thread that would put Craig back together....

User avatar
Crow
OBOD Druid
Posts: 4662
Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
Gender: Male
Location: East Coast, U.S.A.

Postby Crow » 15 Sep 2004, 17:07

Epilogue

With the repair of Craig’s thumb, the friends sensed an end to their adventures and decided to go their separate ways. But they all knew that they had formed a bond there under the moonlight on Tara Hill, and that they’d be back another time. But you, dear reader, no doubt have formed a bond of your own with these adventurers, and you deserve to know what became of them:

Craig: Though he regained full use of his severed thumb, whenever he scratches his ear with it now, he can hear it purring softly. It was an aggravation at first, but he’s growing used to it. He returned to the Foggy Duck Pub, where Gladys refused to serve him until he first ponied up the cost for an entire vat of new cider.

Moon Cloud: Returned to her home on the East Coast of the United States, where she soars in the sky at night, sometimes a cumulous cloud, at other times stratus, but at all times a welcome sight to those down below. She also has moonlike qualities, of course, and she's working on her scene-setting ability for her next adventure, practicing as a gibbous moon, a full moon, a waxing moon, a waning moon and a blood moon. Next week she begins a new study on the use of cloud effects in literature.

Loosh: Thinking that she’d seen quite enough, returned to the West Coast of the United States, where she’s working on a new series of masks to block out the viewing of crazy adventures.

Stillpoint: Still looking for her point, and was last seen searching for it in East Anglia, England, in this dimension. But she’s on record as saying that if she can’t find it there, she’ll travel to most (but not all) dimensions to continue her search.

Jeb: Returned to Japan where he opened a sushi bar. And on the opening night’s menu: WALTER!

Crow: Walked into his nest and was immediately hit over the head with Mrs. Crow’s rolling pin. He suffered a case of amnesia and tried without success to piece together his story from his notes. Once again, the coveted Paganzer Prize will not be his.

Chris Raines: Is taking a course studying the lyrics of modern musicals.

Carragh: The exorcism taxed her physically and she developed a bad cough. She made her way home to Alaska, where she turned herself over to the White Coat clan. She’s on the mend now, and will be ready for new adventures in no time.

Selene: Immediately bought a new battery for her laptop computer. She got out of the lease on the apartment above The Foggy Duck, where the constant noise and turmoil were getting on her nerves. She traveled to Louisiana, where she’s found peace in her new home in the path of Hurricane Ivan.

Night Hawk: Returned to Canada, where she has produced a series of award-winning compact discs on ritual drumming.

Kat Lady: Started getting very friendly with Storm and threatened to run away with him again until Lady Moon Chaser granted visitation rights. So Kat Lady returned home to the East Coast of the United States, where she watches Moon Cloud every night and takes care of Storm on weekends.

Lady Moon Chaser: Hopped on a freighter with her horse, Moon, and headed home for Ohio. The ship was carrying a load of fresh fruit, and Lady Moon Chaser was able to replenish her Carmen Miranda costume. She cuts a fine figure riding her horse now, because at last she has someone to saddle him properly.

Billy Joe Bob: Upon seeing Moon, he realized how much he missed horses, and decided to sell the Harley. He offered it through an ad in the paper, and it was quickly snatched up by Merlyn, who in fact used to own the bike (For the full story on these happenings, please see http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic. ... ight=Crawl). He moved back to Ohio with Lady Moon Chaser, where he became a farmhand, and is particularly useful at saddling her horse.

Beith: With the help of the Singing Movers, moved into an apartment in Dublin. She now has a peculiar aversion to shoes and goes everywhere barefooted, even in the coldest, wettest weather. She’s taken up driving, and the hours from 9-10 a.m., and again from 6-7 p.m. are known as “Beith Hours,” and the streets clear of all pedestrians and other traffic. She began her Celtic Studies classes at university, and soon was lecturing her professors, who discovered that she knew more than they did.
Last edited by Crow on 16 Sep 2004, 04:18, edited 2 times in total.
Image
“You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.” ~ Edward Abbey

User avatar
Kat Lady
OBOD Druid
Posts: 6824
Joined: 07 Jul 2004, 02:00
Gender: Female
Contact:

Postby Kat Lady » 15 Sep 2004, 17:16

Bravo, Crow! :applause:
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.--Mark Twain

Image

User avatar
grian
Posts: 430
Joined: 06 Jul 2004, 09:24
Gender: Female
Location: england, in this dimension....
Contact:

Postby grian » 15 Sep 2004, 17:16

thus finishing us all off, Crow shut his notebook with a @FLAPP!@, tucked it away with all the others in his nest, and promptly fell asleep, to dream of 'somewheeeeeeere oover the raaaaainbooooow'....
x
s
nightnight Crow

User avatar
Ruthie
Posts: 1470
Joined: 03 Feb 2003, 19:48
Gender: Male
Location: CT, USA
Contact:

Postby Ruthie » 15 Sep 2004, 21:08

Thank-you to Craig, and Crow, and to everyone who carried the story for a time. It sure was an awful lot of fun!

User avatar
Niht-Wyrd
Posts: 436
Joined: 12 May 2003, 22:49
Gender: Male
Location: The valleys of the green and the grey
Contact:

Postby Niht-Wyrd » 15 Sep 2004, 23:36

Grinnnnnnn........

Good folk are good folk the world over :D

Thank you all for many laughs.

... now... Gladys... cider??

"A' than'you very musch!"

Craig has just left the building...

......................

User avatar
Selene
OBOD Druid
Posts: 7368
Joined: 04 Feb 2003, 22:04
Gender: Female
Location: Louisiana USA
Contact:

Postby Selene » 15 Sep 2004, 23:37

We've got some true Bardic story-tellers among us! Well done, all of you!

And Crow, special thanks for your efforts in this and other stories. I think you deserve the Paganzer Prize, no matter what the committee decided. So there.

:selene:
"I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm thinking of making few more."

OBOD Druid Religious Tolerance No hotlinks! Image Image

User avatar
Niht-Wyrd
Posts: 436
Joined: 12 May 2003, 22:49
Gender: Male
Location: The valleys of the green and the grey
Contact:

Postby Niht-Wyrd » 15 Sep 2004, 23:41

I ditto the above! So there!!

:-D

User avatar
Crow
OBOD Druid
Posts: 4662
Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
Gender: Male
Location: East Coast, U.S.A.

Postby Crow » 16 Sep 2004, 01:27

Thanks everyone :oops:

Just defend me when a certain Irish redhead logs back on, okay?

:lol:

:raven:
Image
“You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.” ~ Edward Abbey

User avatar
Niht-Wyrd
Posts: 436
Joined: 12 May 2003, 22:49
Gender: Male
Location: The valleys of the green and the grey
Contact:

Postby Niht-Wyrd » 16 Sep 2004, 22:21

I just got a letter this morning from a certain Irish redhead Crow, and she said to send her regards to your good self, Chalci, Oak, Nimue, Selene et al........ oh, and a cheery wave :mracorn: !

And to Tinne also should he re-surface, something about stocks and the Falcon!! She'll be back soooon.

Peace,

Craig.

User avatar
Piastra
Deceased
Posts: 1270
Joined: 08 Feb 2004, 19:23
Gender: Female
Location: at the feet of the wise ones

Postby Piastra » 16 Sep 2004, 23:30

craiggy,

be sure to send her my own love back. smile. silly wench that she is....

loves, moi
Image
EVER IN SEARCH OF THE WICKERMAN...


Return to “The Attic”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests