Lifeless or Worthless

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Silly Brad
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Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Silly Brad » 09 May 2014, 04:54

As it is, I feel totally lifeless. Maybe not lifeless... the heartburn I have at the moment is a reminder that I'm still ticking. It's a pretty regular thing for me to suffer from heartburn. Crunching on these generic doritoe's definatly won't help any, but what the hell. They sorta taste good. My week of having not shaved is making a bit of an uncomfortable feeling on my face, so there's another reminder. So is the unsightly and eternally embarasing gut that's close to lapping over my belt. Maybe it's worthlessness that I feel?

If I try to be objective, I'm not a worthless person. Last week, I diagnosed then fixed a friends van for her. It ended up that I had to replace the back head and number 5 piston on a 97 Chrysler 3.8. A few days after, I heard her father, Bill, talking to someone on the phone that I tore into that motor a lot more than he would have wanted to do. This certainly isn't the first vehicle that I've fixed. Something tells me that it's not the last one either. Yea, I can fix cars.

In the other room on a chair is a crochet piece that I've been working on. Nothing fancy at all. It's a purple color though, and I kinda like it. I'm gonna run out of string soon, but I'll try to get more to finish it. I've made a few other crochet things before too. I've done some sewing, even made a few clothes. To me, they never look perfect, but other people seem to think they are ok. It would seem that I can do sewing type stuff too. Enough to get by anyway.

I've been fabricating a cart to make it easier to carry my tools around. If it wasn't for the rain today, I may have had it all welded together today. I'm wanting to paint it when it's done, so it looks half decent. It looks a lot like a three shelf deal, set up on wheels like a dolly. The idea is to slide my tool boxes on it, and pull it around where ever I need to take it to, so I don't have to fight or make multiple trips to take three tool boxes with me. I can work with metal. Again, enough to get by.

While I was building that, I noticed one of the crates that I made last year. It brings to mind a look of a old time wooden milk crate. What I made are stackable. They have feet on the bottom of them, so that way they can stack and stay put without sliding off of each other. The wood is cedar that I worked. It started out as weathered rough cut that was just laying on the ground. Now, it's cleared and looks really nice. I can work with wood, too.

I happen to be at a computer at the moment. It's had a hard life, and is somewhere around 10 years old. I built this computer for my mother a long time ago. I think about the only two parts that are still original to it is the case itself and the floppy drive. Maybe the printer too, now that I think about it. I've done computers for quite a while. My knowledge of current computer technology is quickly becoming out dated though. Still, I can fix about any computer that runs across my path. So yea, I'm a computer guy as well.

Earlier tonight, I fixed myself something to eat. It was a pretty simple dish, just some chunks of chicken, mixed veggies, a touch of cheese all done up in a couple eggs. Probably an omlette of sorts. Sometimes I make more elaborate things, like a fried meat, mashed potatoes and gravy, sometimes a rice dish, or a cake. It all depends. I've even made crackers and noodles before. I can cook too. :-)

So, for what reason do I still feel so worthless?
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Aphritha
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Aphritha » 09 May 2014, 05:06

I don't know. From the description you've given me, you're anything but. You're skilled. You're creative. You're kind, and these days, that's priceless. I can't tell you why you feel the way you do.
Do you get much feedback? Sometimes I feel similar, and I've determined its usually because I have no outside input. Its hard to feel alive unless you've got input reminding you so, and when your feedback is mainly negative, or from inanimate objects(like doritos), its easy to soon feel worthless...
I'll note feelings aren't always logical. A person can feel something that isn't correct. I oftentimes feel someone's walking in the back door, but it rarely is. Some people sit and worry, feeling someone is mad at them, but in reality, the person was just tired the last time they spoke. Its important to acknowledge feelings, but its important to acknowledge that's what they are when you investigate them.
Another question: what decides a person's worth?


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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Silly Brad » 09 May 2014, 06:07

Thank you for the reply! Its nice to have a responce back. :) No, I really dont have a lot of feedback from others. There is also that thing that hides in my mind, wondering if what little i do get back is genuine, or people just saying nice things cause it sounds pretty to say.

To answer your other question, I feel that the measure of worth is proportional to how much the said person contributes to the betterment of life for another vs their ability to do so.

I would see many times more value in a well aged grandparent teaching kids something about anything as opposed to a rote follower of a common religion making a tithing based on a formula written in a book. Ive never considered money as any measure of wealth or worth. Getting in there, now Thats priceless.
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by xidia » 09 May 2014, 08:07

Have you considered seeing a doctor to rule out mild depression? Feeling worthless in the face of evidence can be a symptom of that.

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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Sciethe » 09 May 2014, 09:33

xidia wrote:Have you considered seeing a doctor to rule out mild depression? Feeling worthless in the face of evidence can be a symptom of that.
Worth a try, I agree. And Aphritha is pointing to the same thing really, the flaw in the reasoning:
Aphritha wrote:Another question: what decides a person's worth?
That's on the face of it. As another bloke, chap, feller whatever I can tell you that this is not uncommon. It's how long it goes on for that is the issue. This kind of lethargy of the soul is a killer if it can't be broken, of you as a creative and practical man. Of your spirit and positive self.
I've felt like that in two situations, when I've been extremely lonely, i.e. having friends but no-one close enough to make me happy, and the other time I was in a loveless marriage. The solution was to get out and socialize. Clean up a bit (shave or beard trim) and join in some activity. Something you like and wish you'd done before. Worth a try I'd say.
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S
For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and the sun loves him. For he is of the tribe of Tiger. Christopher Smart

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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Aphritha » 09 May 2014, 13:30

Silly Brad wrote:There is also that thing that hides in my mind, wondering if what little i do get back is genuine, or people just saying nice things cause it sounds pretty to say.
Ahhh...the 'what if' monster. Try your best to silence him; what ifs scare us away from living the life we want to live, and cause a boatload of anxiety that isn't really necessary. It is my opinion that most people are often oblivious to the lives of others, so if someone has taken the time to compliment or encourage you, its usually genuine.
Silly Brad wrote: I would see many times more value in a well aged grandparent teaching kids something about anything as opposed to a rote follower of a common religion making a tithing based on a formula written in a book. Ive never considered money as any measure of wealth or worth. Getting in there, now Thats priceless.
I agree with you here. It seems like you're on your way to becoming the 'well aged grandparent', even if you do or do not become a grandparent literally. It'll take time, of course. Grandparents aren't born old(and sometimes aren't even old when they become grandparents), its the tests of time that give them their wisdom.
Sciethe wrote: The solution was to get out and socialize. Clean up a bit (shave or beard trim) and join in some activity. Something you like and wish you'd done before. Worth a try I'd say.
Good idea. Perhaps with a group of others, you can get the positive feedback and sense of purpose you're lacking.


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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Silly Brad » 09 May 2014, 15:07

Again, I want to thank all the replies, and any future ones I have. I've visited boards in the past, and I'm lucky to get one or two responses! A very helpful bunch of people here!
xidia wrote:Have you considered seeing a doctor to rule out mild depression? Feeling worthless in the face of evidence can be a symptom of that.
I have been down this path for roughly a year and a half. It was like a double edged blade, with no handle. Although I no longer felt the deep sadness that I try to over come every day, I no longer felt anything at all. The docs tried several different medications, and combinations of them. I finally stopped. What little of me that I did have left was being suppressed into nothingness. There were a number of other effects that happened as well. The short of it is that I felt like a thing that simply wakes up, performs tasks out of cellular memory, then goes back to bed.
Sciethe wrote:
Aphritha wrote:Another question: what decides a person's worth?
That's on the face of it. As another bloke, chap, feller whatever I can tell you that this is not uncommon. It's how long it goes on for that is the issue. This kind of lethargy of the soul is a killer if it can't be broken, of you as a creative and practical man. Of your spirit and positive self.
What's meant by "That's on the face of it?"

I've been feeling like this in this severity since about 2010. It started in about 08ish, however 2010 is where I would say that the issue was easily noticeable to what very few friends I have and the family that I do have contact with. I remember what all was going on back then. I've never been able to shake the thoughts that if I were somehow able to address those issues, I would be a lot better. My closest friends agree with the time frame, and they occasionally ask what changed. Honestly, I don't know how or where to start working with that. It does need to be handled in some way though, I'm fairly sure of that.
Aphritha wrote: Ahhh...the 'what if' monster. Try your best to silence him; what ifs scare us away from living the life we want to live, and cause a boatload of anxiety that isn't really necessary.
How would I tame that beast? This seems to be an anxiety related thing, if it's not the direction you intended, please let me know. Running on the assumption of anxiety, this has easily been controlling a large part of my actions since at least age 9 or so. I would not play with other kids much during recess and gym times at school. As school years progressed, I would not want to join any kind of clubs, attend school functions. I did try a school dance once... for about thirty minutes. Even to this day, as recent as a month ago, I have friends that give me a prescription anti-anxiety pill, along with plenty of alcohol just so I can go to a party/gathering and have a chance of eventually mingling with the strangers there.
Sciethe wrote: The solution was to get out and socialize. Clean up a bit (shave or beard trim) and join in some activity. Something you like and wish you'd done before. Worth a try I'd say.
I want to be able to do this someday. Right now though, it seems like a romantic dream. Maybe I could learn to swim. Or learn to dance. Both highly unlikely, but a guy can dream! Attend a concert, or even a music festival. I'm not sure how many of this things go on within a reasonable driving distance to me.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to take care of anxiety. And after having wrote all this out, it seems that the anxiety is adding so much weight, it's gobbling up all my happiness, which in turn is reducing my quality of life to the point of the depression. This seems to be a connected chain that I haven't seen before. Gives me something to chew on. :)
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by xidia » 09 May 2014, 20:12

I'm glad you've sought help, but I'm sorry to hear it hasn't helped. Some form of talking therapy, to get ti the root of the problems you've identified would almost certainly help you. You are better off than some because you can spot the unhelpful patterns and try to rationalize them, which in itself is no mean feat.

I eventually came off anti depressants when I figured I was stable enough that the side effects outweighed the benefits (and I'd had an awful lot of therapy!).

ADs basically work by increasing the levels of specific chemicals in your brain. A normal brain generates enough of these naturally, but a depressive brain needs some help with a metaphorical kick up the butt. The things I do:
1) Exercise - 2-3x week for norepinephrine and serotonin
2) Hugs/socialising - for oxytocin (the cuddling/bonding one)
3) Achieving things - work/exercise/cleaning/getting out of bed for dopamine (the reward one)
4) Sunlight - through a daylight lamp in winter for serotonin
5) Enough sleep - lack of sleep triggers depression me
6) Managed stress - too much stress triggers depression
7) Limited alcohol - it's a depressant, so abstinence is ideal, but socialising and dealing with stress can benefit from it :)

Exercise is clinically proven to effectively treat mild to moderate depression as well as front-line ADs.

You can also check out your diet and make sure you're getting enough of the precursor elements, (tryptophan and 5HTP are common for serotonin) but I'd consult a qualified nutritionist about that as overdosing has its own problems.

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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Sciethe » 09 May 2014, 20:45

Silly Brad wrote: What's meant by "That's on the face of it?"
Apologies, that was annoyingly obscure of me. :oops: I mean of course that although there are many generally experienced problems which can cause lethargy and depression and a lack of self-worth, sometimes there is a specific external reason which escapes our attention because it's so familiar/hard to overcome/impossible to think about because it's painful.

This ties in with the talking therapy that xidia refers to, which would help reveal and deal with any such matter.
Silly Brad wrote:
Sciethe wrote: The solution was to get out and socialize. Clean up a bit (shave or beard trim) and join in some activity. Something you like and wish you'd done before. Worth a try I'd say.
I want to be able to do this someday. Right now though, it seems like a romantic dream.
Although it may seem unlikely given how you feel at present, it's amazing how quickly people adapt to doing new things. The first time is hard. So is the second or third, but persevere and by the sixth or seventh time you'll be an old hand, and starting to have a new lifestyle. You'll look back and be pleased you started. :grin:

A last point which I hope you don't take wrong, it's not a criticism and is meant to be an objective remark: your avatar. Silly Brad. Is this how you see yourself? It's quite obvious that you're clever, practical, insightful and probably many other good things. Maybe you could afford to be kinder to yourself. I'll say no more on this because you're too intelligent to need me to spell it out.

S
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Aphritha » 09 May 2014, 21:07

Silly Brad wrote:]How would I tame that beast? This seems to be an anxiety related thing, if it's not the direction you intended, please let me know. Running on the assumption of anxiety, this has easily been controlling a large part of my actions since at least age 9 or so.
Good news: He can be tamed! Bad news: its going to take awhile. I suffer from an anxiety disorder myself, and I can tell you it took a good few years to get over it. First was the medication, which, as you've spoken about, doesn't always work. Prozac made me want to die. Lexapro made me fat. Buspar was great, but after taking it for a few months, I randomly began vomiting it up. I realized this wasn't going to work...
One thing that helped was taking a logical review of what was going on around me. Was I okay? Was I safe, secure, and where I wanted to be? Sometimes I wasn't. Identifying when I wasn't helped me take action to fix the problem. But, sometimes I was safe, and clearly seeing that I was would help. You mention you have close friends. That's great!! :yay: You've got a huge advantage here. Talk to them about it. If there isn't much to talk about, and you're just jittery, try to distract yourself. Ask one of them to talk to you about something that's important to them and put full concentration into it. Sometimes getting moving helps, too. I used to calm myself by engaging in a physical activity that would get my heart rate going(even if its just something as simple as heading down the steps to do the laundry), and then allowing my anxiety to fall when my heart rate dropped when I became stationary again.
I also have a list of things I need to avoid in order to remain in the correct state of mine. Caffeine is a big one. Even if I do not physically become amped, I notice that I will have more anxious and negative thoughts, both that day and the next. Another thing I've had to severely restrict is my media intake. I do not watch anything that upsets me too much, as I am not always able to recollect myself, and it travels into my life(example:see a news story about a guy getting shot, and I then worry endlessly about getting shot, or the victim's family, or the safety of my neighborhood). The brain doesn't always recognize what's real and what's not... I also don't use social media because of the amount of negativity I saw blasted in the short time I used it, though that comes down to another restriction:negative people. I try my best to avoid people who are always upset or angry, or people who make poor choices that will result them getting me into trouble, through either an obvious avenue(such as a thief or drug dealer), or a more subtle one(cannot make their way in life and continually is living off of others). If you do find yourself consorting with these people, and you cannot help it, its best to at least set up limits("I will offer you my ear, but not my wallet", or "I will not talk to you while you're under the influence, call me when you're not").
Learning to socialize is a really tough thing to do. I struggled with it growing up, and still do. In high school, I actually transfered to a smaller school because I was so nervous and scared at the big one. In adulthood, I've found ways to manage, but at times I still find it so hard to speak I talk in a whisper and not everyone(if anyone) hears me. This is definitely something to take on with friends, since you do have them. Because you have friends, this must mean at some point you socialize with them, or they wouldn't be your friends. Continue to talk to them. If you don't want to be social alone, do it with them. I still find it very difficult to be in a social setting without my husband, but I can if need be. Are there any classes or events you'd be comfortable going to with friends? If not, why? Is it the crowd that makes you uncomfortable, or is it the anxiousness about all the things that could happen?
Lastly, I'll say i've found alot of comfort in the fact that whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I can sit here and worry and fret all day about what will happen this evening, but ultimately what is going to take place will. I can try to set the events I prefer into motion, and it might do me some good, but it might not. The serenity prayer comes to mind: "God(of your choice :grin: ) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".


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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by xidia » 09 May 2014, 21:51

Oooh, the serenity prayer. Absolutely this. Often, the wisdom is the most lacking in people with anxiety or depression. I stuck this to the front of my day book at work for a while, and I now have a symbolic version tattooed on my right arm.

Another mental trick, Brad, is to separate yourself from your feelings. "I feel sad", not "I am sad". Done often enough, this can effect a real change in how you feel.

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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Silly Brad » 10 May 2014, 04:57

Im on my phone at the moment, but i wanted to post my sincere thanks and my replies anyway.

Silly Brad was just something i picked. No intention or thoughts of child like or foolish behavior attached to it. At the same time, Im not one that would decorate or exagerate mself with glandor.

Ill need to consider exercise options. Ive heard that it helps over and over. This time, Im accepting it as possible truth. :-)

Im not sure who to talk to, what to talk about, or where to start. Some suggestions on this are welcomed. Im not in a financial situation now to see a therapist, even if I wanted to.

I also acknowledge that i understood the parts about diet, what types if attitudes i am around, and disconnecting some from labels. I think it was elkhart tolle that talks a lit on separating ego from spirit.

Im pretty well wore out folks. Thank all of you very much! Each responce has had weight and help me firm a plan with your help. Im very grateful fir that!
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Sciethe » 10 May 2014, 11:28

Silly Brad wrote: Im not sure who to talk to, what to talk about, or where to start. Some suggestions on this are welcomed. Im not in a financial situation now to see a therapist, even if I wanted to.
The main thing is to talk. You're doing that right now with people who don't have to respond but happen to want to. It might be that it's better than going and spending a weekly couple of hours with someone you're paying and who does it as a day job. Technically what we're all doing is called informal co-counselling, you might not realize it but you are helping us too, if only with a bit of perspective and firming up of understanding. It's all valuable, we all have our hurts. So thank you also.
Silly Brad wrote: Im pretty well wore out folks. Thank all of you very much! Each responce has had weight and help me firm a plan with your help. Im very grateful fir that!
Hope the plan goes well. Do keep posting when you feel energised to do so!
S :)
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Aphritha » 10 May 2014, 14:24

Sciethe wrote:
Silly Brad wrote: Im not sure who to talk to, what to talk about, or where to start. Some suggestions on this are welcomed. Im not in a financial situation now to see a therapist, even if I wanted to.
The main thing is to talk. You're doing that right now with people who don't have to respond but happen to want to. It might be that it's better than going and spending a weekly couple of hours with someone you're paying and who does it as a day job.
Talk to whomever you want to! If you have people you're comfortable with already(such as friends or family), make more of an effort to talk to them, and to say what you want to get out. I used to do this when I was younger; I'd be spending time with 'George', and I'd decide that before I went home, I'd tell him about the great cake I made the night before(simple example). It gave me a time frame to work my thoughts into the conversations, and time to warm up to the idea of disclosing personal information. It was kind of a low pressure goal.
As to meeting new people or being in a social situation, I pick out whoever 'feels' comfortable, regardless of whether or not its 'traditional'. When I enter a crowd/group, I tend to be more comfortable amongst the elderly than those my age, and I usually reach out to them first. I get my confidence going by talking with them, and then when others(outside of my 'comfort group') approach me, I find it easier to talk to them, being as I've already proven to myself I can talk without presenting myself as a fool.
Rest up, and I hope you find the meaning you're searching for soon. :)


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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Silly Brad » 11 May 2014, 03:48

Just talk? :shrug:

Very shortly after moving to this section of Missouri in the summer of 06, I would say within a weeks time, I met those who would become my best friends. Drinking, partying, camping, ruckus causing... the works! :grin: Not long after Imbolc of 2009, the girl I was with decided to leave me for a person she had been cheating on me with. I came home to find a note. This was devastating for me. We were high school friends, she was a friend to me the entire time I was with my daughters mother. By the time she had left, I had known her for 13 years. Later the same year near just before Beltane, my only sibling died. He was my brother, died just a few weeks before he was to turn 21. A month later, my maternal grandfather died. The year ended with my doggie companion, Squeeky getting killed right around Alban Arthan/Yule time.

I pretty much withdrew from the world. My two best friends called once in a while to check on me, to invite me out, things like that. They knew full well that I was hurting, and in a bad shape. There for a while, I was attempting suicide at least once a month. I started simple from taking many times the dosage of particular kinds of medications. Then, I got to planning it, taking pill combinations that should be fatal considering my allergies and asthma. Making even more elaborate plans of having lost consciousness while a taper candle tied to a string finally burns through the string, causing a flash fire. It was... amazingly elaborate. As is the case with truly suicidal people vs those that are seeking attention, nobody knew what was going on until they started finding me passed out in bizzare places, empty pill bottles, and other actions that were definitely not my norm.

I ended up in the mental hospital once, and on therapy. This is when docs started experimenting with a wide variety of medications. I made reference to this in an earlier post.

Something within me started stirring in 2013. I wanted to go camping again. I got ahold of my friends, and we went. I was most definitely different though. People that had known me from the past commented on it right away. I wasn't talkative, I wasn't running around the whole campground talking to strangers, singing like a madman, howling at the moon, or basically anything that I used to do. I simply stayed just on the dark side of the shadows near our site.

As time and the months went by, the male best friend made comment that I'm not who I was by any means. He asked what ever happened to the posse of "hot women" that I used to have following me around every where like groupies. I was such high spiritual energy, it never even occurred to me that my house was filled with attractive girls. Three of them were sisters, one was from work, one was the girl that left me, and two others were girls that my g/f brought in. The occasional guy once in a while, too. In retrospect, it probably did look like I was a cult leader or something!!! In reality, I was a bit of a mentor, teaching bits of spirituality, tarot, runes, and was just a really cool guy.

He and the female best friend have both commented independently of each other that I don't even seem attracted to anybody anymore. As you could imagine, there would be a HUGE difference between a way a guy tells his guy friend "you ain't even lookin" and the way a girl would say the same. Hahaha! I kinda though about it, and they are mostly right. Once in a while, somebody catches my attention, but I really don't even "leer" (for lack of better vocabulary) anymore... let alone make contact or action. My friends are very persistent, and please take my word for it that they have attempted everything humanly possible (even not-so-legal methods) to respark my interest in the female kind, campsite hopping, singing while drunk... hell even being drunk... even talking to people in general.

Sometimes, if I've had plenty to drink... I have the desire to take a leap back into something I once did. But, somehow there is just not enough umph in anything to actually get me to jump. It's not always just the booze and/or drugs either. They have tried verbal support, txt message support, nudges, and even a few pushes. They've even went to the amazing effort of bringing back most of the old party crew ( 7 people, not including myself ) to remind me of what it was like. A huge group, all having fun, catching up... all of them friends of mine. And I still just sat there, ended up going to bed at 10ish.

Things changed in 2009. I can feel faint breezes of wanting to be free and open, full of life again. To draw on a phrase the male best friend said, "Man, you wasn't just the life of the party. You WAS the party. Now, we have to look around to see if you're even still AT the party."

I'd at least like to be noticed again. I just don't know what I was doing before, or what changed. I even asked outright a few times... what was I doing different? ( Note: this particular friend is very agnostic ) "I dunno, you used to have a presence and a charm. People didn't come to drink, or smoke. They came just to be in the same area as you. You didn't really do anything. You were just there, and five minutes later there was a crowd around you, playing beer pong, shooting shots, and doing fortune cards. Then we look outside, and more people are pulling in... the strangers thought you were such cool [stuff] that they moved their entire party night to wherever it is that you are. I still haven't seen anybody other than you that could do that. And you did it like, every night."

Hmm... I talked. :yay:
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Aphritha » 11 May 2014, 05:26

Glad you feel comfortable here. :)
Silly Brad wrote: Very shortly after moving to this section of Missouri in the summer of 06, I would say within a weeks time, I met those who would become my best friends. Drinking, partying, camping, ruckus causing... the works! :grin: Not long after Imbolc of 2009, the girl I was with decided to leave me for a person she had been cheating on me with. I came home to find a note. This was devastating for me. We were high school friends, she was a friend to me the entire time I was with my daughters mother. By the time she had left, I had known her for 13 years. Later the same year near just before Beltane, my only sibling died. He was my brother, died just a few weeks before he was to turn 21. A month later, my maternal grandfather died. The year ended with my doggie companion, Squeeky getting killed right around Alban Arthan/Yule time.
I'm so sorry for all the loss you experienced that year. Those are terrible events, bound to do a number on anybody.
[quote="Silly Brad"
I pretty much withdrew from the world. My two best friends called once in a while to check on me, to invite me out, things like that. They knew full well that I was hurting, and in a bad shape. There for a while, I was attempting suicide at least once a month. I started simple from taking many times the dosage of particular kinds of medications. Then, I got to planning it, taking pill combinations that should be fatal considering my allergies and asthma. Making even more elaborate plans of having lost consciousness while a taper candle tied to a string finally burns through the string, causing a flash fire. It was... amazingly elaborate. As is the case with truly suicidal people vs those that are seeking attention, nobody knew what was going on until they started finding me passed out in bizzare places, empty pill bottles, and other actions that were definitely not my norm.

I ended up in the mental hospital once, and on therapy. This is when docs started experimenting with a wide variety of medications. I made reference to this in an earlier post.

[/quote]
I think its apparent it wasn't your turn to go yet. You must still have work to do, things to offer.
Silly Brad wrote:
Something within me started stirring in 2013. I wanted to go camping again. I got ahold of my friends, and we went. I was most definitely different though. People that had known me from the past commented on it right away. I wasn't talkative, I wasn't running around the whole campground talking to strangers, singing like a madman, howling at the moon, or basically anything that I used to do. I simply stayed just on the dark side of the shadows near our site.

As time and the months went by, the male best friend made comment that I'm not who I was by any means. He asked what ever happened to the posse of "hot women" that I used to have following me around every where like groupies. I was such high spiritual energy, it never even occurred to me that my house was filled with attractive girls. Three of them were sisters, one was from work, one was the girl that left me, and two others were girls that my g/f brought in. The occasional guy once in a while, too. In retrospect, it probably did look like I was a cult leader or something!!! In reality, I was a bit of a mentor, teaching bits of spirituality, tarot, runes, and was just a really cool guy.

He and the female best friend have both commented independently of each other that I don't even seem attracted to anybody anymore. As you could imagine, there would be a HUGE difference between a way a guy tells his guy friend "you ain't even lookin" and the way a girl would say the same. Hahaha! I kinda though about it, and they are mostly right. Once in a while, somebody catches my attention, but I really don't even "leer" (for lack of better vocabulary) anymore... let alone make contact or action. My friends are very persistent, and please take my word for it that they have attempted everything humanly possible (even not-so-legal methods) to respark my interest in the female kind, campsite hopping, singing while drunk... hell even being drunk... even talking to people in general.

Sometimes, if I've had plenty to drink... I have the desire to take a leap back into something I once did. But, somehow there is just not enough umph in anything to actually get me to jump. It's not always just the booze and/or drugs either. They have tried verbal support, txt message support, nudges, and even a few pushes. They've even went to the amazing effort of bringing back most of the old party crew ( 7 people, not including myself ) to remind me of what it was like. A huge group, all having fun, catching up... all of them friends of mine. And I still just sat there, ended up going to bed at 10ish.

Things changed in 2009. I can feel faint breezes of wanting to be free and open, full of life again. To draw on a phrase the male best friend said, "Man, you wasn't just the life of the party. You WAS the party. Now, we have to look around to see if you're even still AT the party."

I'd at least like to be noticed again. I just don't know what I was doing before, or what changed. I even asked outright a few times... what was I doing different? ( Note: this particular friend is very agnostic ) "I dunno, you used to have a presence and a charm. People didn't come to drink, or smoke. They came just to be in the same area as you. You didn't really do anything. You were just there, and five minutes later there was a crowd around you, playing beer pong, shooting shots, and doing fortune cards. Then we look outside, and more people are pulling in... the strangers thought you were such cool [stuff] that they moved their entire party night to wherever it is that you are. I still haven't seen anybody other than you that could do that. And you did it like, every night."
Its great that you want a positive change. Wanting it is important; if you didn't really care, it would be impossible.
You've really got alot to live up to. This old you would be quite an intimidating person to compete with. Why do you do it? You've had some really traumatic things happen to you. It would change anyone. 2009 was 5 years ago, as well. A person with less strife would still change some. The life of the party 50 years ago is quite possibly struggling to hear and walks with a cane now. Not one of us can escape the cycle of life.
It may be time to do some soul searching, and figure out who you are NOW. I think its awesome you want to socialize, but try to do it as the you of today, not the you of 2008. You may not get the same response. If you find you're getting no response ever, the scene may no longer be appropriate for you.
Silly Brad wrote: I can feel faint breezes of wanting to be free and open, full of life again.
Life comes in many forms, all different. The stag is much different from the owl, but they both have very important roles to play. 'Life' may manifest differently at different times. :)


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Aphritha
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Re: Lifeless or Worthless

Post by Aphritha » 11 May 2014, 05:27

Please excuse my screwing up the quote system...its late here. :zzz:


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