I want to start out by giving thanks now to both BirchWind and to Shirley McClaren for responding to this post from Myrde, and of course to Myrde for posting in the first place, and to all those who read and/or responded to Myrde and to each others' responses. To Myrde, if you happen to return to this and read it, if you are able and would not mind, I am concerned to know how you are doing and feeling currently, and I am thinking that others are too, so please let us know if able. Thank you so much and Blessings and Peace to you.
The following is from one of my old journals of sorts that was originally written fourteen years ago...
As far back as I can remember I have had to deal with some form of depression . Perhaps that is not really the most accurate word to describe it, but it is a rather difficult feeling and state of mind to attempt to describe; it is difficult to find a perfect word to express it. Actually, I think that the word/term "haunted" describes it more accurately because that is pretty much the way that I personally saw and felt and experienced many things in my Life, with a haunting sense of passion. I remember having that feeling as a young child, even as young as three years old and some things even younger than that age. I realize that most all young children "daydream", but with myself, it always went far beyond mere "daydreaming" or pretending. This was rather an aching need that I felt. Most of my Life I have possessed a sort of underlying sadness and longing deep within my Spirit; sadness and longing for what exactly, I did not quite know or understand yet in my younger years.
I have always loved the World and Life and simply being Alive, yet, on the other hand, I had always had a certain sense of not truly belonging to or fitting into This particular World. I loved This particular World, as I stated, and I was in awe of and saw and experienced a lot of genuine beauty here. Still however, I had a strong sense of always being "out of place", as though This particular World was not where my True and very First Origins came from.
I have always been emotionally sensitive, and not only in what I suppose that a lot of people would view as a "cry-baby" sense of that term either. What I mean by saying that I have always been emotionally sensitive, at its core, is that I have always been very easily affected by everything that I see, hear, smell, touch, taste, think, desire, observe, and so on and so on. Some people can go through an entire Life and can observe the World and yet never truly "feel" what they observe. They do observe, yet they never seem to truly "absorb" or "feed" themselves with the things they observe. They do not "take it in" to their Being.
For myself personally though, situations that I have gone through, things that I have done, things that I have thought, felt and wanted, things that I have seen, mistakes that I have made, are all so much more than just occurrences that are merely a "part" of my Life or my past. They are so much more to me than just occurrences that merely "happened". Every thing in my Life became a part of my Heart, my Essence, my Soul, my Spirit, my Energy, or whatever term/definition anyone may choose to use and/or relate to these as. They all became and continued and still to this day do continue to evolve into what is my actual Psych, my Personality.
Every dream that I have ever had, every time that I have felt anger, sadness, confusion, euphoria, fear, loneliness, numb, neutrality, victory, defeat, confidence, hope, loss of hope, faith, faithlessness, creative, inspiration, accomplishment, worthless, deserving, betrayed, rewarded, stood by, abandoned, and so on and so on...
Every vacation that I have ever been on, every sunny day that I have enjoyed, every rainy day that I have enjoyed, every tree, plant, flower that I have ever admired, every animal that I have been in awe of, every sunrise and sunset that I have been inspired by, every time I stared up in fascination at the moon, every coin that I have ever thrown into a wishing well, every stone I have ever held or touched, every time that I have ever stood within inches of a fire at night and let the heat from it wash over me until I actually became cold with an electric numbness that made me feel as though I no longer even had a physical body, every time that I ever hid in my room from my drunken and abusive stepfather, every time that I had to hide my tears and brokenness while spending weekends with my biological father because he views tears and sadness as weakness and flaws in people, even children, every time that I climbed a tree to feel even closer to the wind, every ant pile I was ever left feeling both amused and with such a sense of respect for the intelligence of the ants order and community, every lonesome sounding train that I ever heard passing on a cool evening, every shape I ever saw in a cloud, every word that I have ever spoken, every word that I wished I had never spoken, simply, Every Everything.
I realize that to a lot of people I must sound like a complete nut, but for myself, all of these things are my own personal Truth. All these things for me are so much more than merely memories that only "surround" my Personality and my Psyche, or things that merely "affected" them, rather, I genuinely feel that all these things really Are my Personality and my Psyche. I do not know how many people this may make very much sense to, yet let me not underestimate others either, because I do at the same time believe that there Are others who can and do relate to similar things in their own Lives in much the same manner. I know that not everyone does quite this way, but I have to believe that some do.
My hope is that some will not view me as simply being way, way too overly philosophical about Life, but even if some should, that is alright, I would take no offense. My main point I want to be sure to clarify is simply that I do not say things just to say them for no reason; I say things and word them the ways that I do because that is the way that I genuinely experience these things.
Well, I assure that I have many more things I could post here, and I do hope to do so, but for now I will post this part and then wait. I do not wish to perhaps annoy anyone, whether they be Administrators, Moderators, or Registered Members, or Guests, by my tendency to post such lengthy, detailed posts. So, with that stated, this is all here for the time being.
Thanks to all and Much Love, Many Blessings to all.
Though this is Our Funeral Pyre
We can walk right on through this Fire
Cleansed and New We'll reach that Distant Shore
Where We won't have to cry anymore
Don't fear this Fire's Flames
They will carry Us to the Place We know Our True Names...GrayFire