Anyone here? I wrote a poem

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illion
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Anyone here? I wrote a poem

Post by illion »

Hello :) This forum seems to be rather quiet, but I still try to post one of my poems for qritiquing.

All kinds of feedback is welcomed, but I would really like it if someone could point out my language mistakes. As I am not a native English speaker, it can be difficult to play around with words in English. So why do I choose to write in English? Firstly because there is a much wider community for amateur poets that write in English, and secondly because I write to learn.

Here goes:

Urd’s well

I) A little girl’s journey to meet her father’s fate

Wind blows whispers wicked trees, reveals the hidden truths
Pine cones crackles, shining spears, sun ignites the spark
She runs with guidance from her joy, mesmerized by mirth
So she follows beckoning paths as Urd sits spinning worlds

Sacred spinner serves her norns
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn completes the happiness
Within her heart, her heart

Lullabies and fairy tales, sounds silently through woods
Appeal for friendship, clucking creek, to surpass stories heard
She smells the flowers, blanket’s powers, secure a daughter’s dreams
She cannot see the darkening clouds that gather in Urd’s weaves

Sacred spinner colours threads
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn adds to the lucky thoughts
Within her eyes, her eyes

As Urd spins faster colours dark, besides her sparkling well
Her father’s norn is weaving tight, what nobody can tell
Norns know what future lies ahead, their charms are now fulfilled
Norns’ fingers ache from all the work the Earth must soon get tilled

Sacred spinner finishes first
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn patterns years to pass with trials
Within his life, his life

II) The threads of the Norns

Silken stories, woolen ways, cotton clouds in June
Pink and yellow, baby blue, summer sand in dunes
Urd the spinner mighty maid forgotten by the man
A mystery, in a mystical place, spins further with her plan
The shaper’s fibers forms new fate, for men, for newborn child
The highest queen, her precious well, is found far out so wild

III) Father’s picture

Thorns stick to shoes, prickling the daughter’s skin
Snow is in the air, rhyming the pleas within
Urd awaits her like mountains from former times
Vast from a distance, but small as her glance declines

Scary in darkness, mighty by day
Cynical treatment, death is this way

Soothing verses as shadows in moonlit night
Damping smoke from water in daylight bright
Daughter advances, searching for sunny spot
Only through heat could the corpse of a woman rot

Well is like marshland, with bits overgrown
Mirror is covered, she cannot see it all, she cannot know it all

And she thought and believed that she saw her father’s scenes
She should have noticed all the plants surround
She’s gonna live her life in faith of hope and justice
Without the truth of dark skies and thunderstorms
Why should Urd show all as that would kill daughter’s spark
She’s gonna keep on running unknown of the dark
Unknown of the dark, unknown of the dark

And she thinks and believes in the tapestry she sees
The waves of wind in the ripe and golden fields
Her father threshing a tremendous crop all years
Pastel patterned backgrounds as she thinks she smells the feast

Then she turns around to return to where she came from
With all the memories of the future
She seems so light and fast as a fairy butterfly
Filled with hopes and will to grow stronger every day
And live the colours, live the patterns, walk by father’s side

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Ascenscia
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Re: Anyone here? I wrote a poem

Post by Ascenscia »

The great thing about poetry is you’re allowed to push the bounds of grammar! There is nothing here that is obviously ungrammatical in English and very little that is even awkward. Well done!

The difficulty with editing another’s poetry is guessing at what you might mean and how you want it to flow. I’m not a poet, so my editing comes from a grammatical perspective, not a poetic one!

- Wind blows, whispers, wicked trees. I like the alliteration here, but it feels awkward without commas and works better with them. Without, you expect blows to be alliterative, too. With them, there are 3 pieces, each beginning with w.
- Sacred spinner, serves her Norns; Sacred spinner, color threads; and Sacred spinner, finishes first.” I can’t really explain this one, It’s not a grammatical issue, but I think it has to do with rhythm. That comma gives a little pause and describes the sacred spinner (or what she’s doing).
- Do you know the word “tapestry”? I wonder if that would fit for “prepares the entire picture” - “prepares the tapestry.” This is an artistic/poetic decision, really.
- Urd the spinner, mighty maid, forgotten by the man. Set the description of Urd off with commas.
- “pricking“ the daughter’s skin, instead of “prickling.” Pricking breaks the skins, cuts, whereas prickling is more of a sensation. I don’t know which you might mean.
- searching for a sunny spot. Unless adding a syllable would break your rhythm (I think it helps it) I would add an article here, most likely “a.”
- why would Urd show all that would kill a daughter’s spark. “As that” feels like an older phrase that doesn’t fit with the rest of the poem. You can simplify it to just “that.”
- “Gonna” is very informal. It didn’t jump out to me the first time, so it might be fine. I guess it kind of modernizes the poem, gives it a modern time setting and a feeling of rashness or almost defiance in living her life. If that’s intended, great, if not, you might want to use “going to.”
- Ok, this one is entirely my personal thought: “The waves of ripe and golden fields.” Just with that phrase, especially “waves,” I know it is the wind. You paint the picture better by not overtly stating it was the wind making the waves.
- all these years. Maybe? Adding “these” gives a feeling of “since” and almost ownership of the years instead of just “all years.”
- to return from where she came. This is an old rule that may no longer apply, and does not need to in poetry, but I was taught never to end a sentence with a preposition.
“Filled with hopes that will grow stronger. Maybe? Is it the hopes growing stronger or the girl? If the hopes, use “that,” if the girl, leave it as “and.”
- “walk by her father’s side” adds a personal touch to the phrase.

If any of this feedback doesn’t make sense, please let me know and I’ll explain it more. Like I said before, I’m better at grammar (and grammar editing For non-native speakers) than I am at poetry. Others may have better poetic feedback for you, but I think this is a great start!
Life is a journey...

Ascenscia

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illion
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Re: Anyone here? I wrote a poem

Post by illion »

Oh, thank you so much :)

This is exactly what I was hoping for.

- The commas are difficult for me, so thank you for pointing out new suggestions for using them. That was so needed.
- "Tapestry" works perfect, thanks for the tip
- "pricking" is what I meant, not "prickling" (Thanks again)

And yes, to the rest :D
This is so great, thank you again!

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ShadowCat
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Re: Anyone here? I wrote a poem

Post by ShadowCat »

I'm no where near fluent enough in English to assume correcting your poem, grammar or wording in any way.
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed it as it is :tiphat:
Three sounds one should treasure:
the whisper of the wind through the leaves
the songs of one's heart
the callings of the universe

Golden Harps are like cookies, you can never have just one
:gulp: Mead, glorious mead
Sacred spaces and places

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illion
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Re: Anyone here? I wrote a poem

Post by illion »

Oh, thank you so much, ShadowCat :cloud9:

I really appreciate it :)

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