Anyone here? I wrote a poem
Posted: 01 Jun 2020, 06:24
Hello This forum seems to be rather quiet, but I still try to post one of my poems for qritiquing.
All kinds of feedback is welcomed, but I would really like it if someone could point out my language mistakes. As I am not a native English speaker, it can be difficult to play around with words in English. So why do I choose to write in English? Firstly because there is a much wider community for amateur poets that write in English, and secondly because I write to learn.
Here goes:
Urd’s well
I) A little girl’s journey to meet her father’s fate
Wind blows whispers wicked trees, reveals the hidden truths
Pine cones crackles, shining spears, sun ignites the spark
She runs with guidance from her joy, mesmerized by mirth
So she follows beckoning paths as Urd sits spinning worlds
Sacred spinner serves her norns
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn completes the happiness
Within her heart, her heart
Lullabies and fairy tales, sounds silently through woods
Appeal for friendship, clucking creek, to surpass stories heard
She smells the flowers, blanket’s powers, secure a daughter’s dreams
She cannot see the darkening clouds that gather in Urd’s weaves
Sacred spinner colours threads
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn adds to the lucky thoughts
Within her eyes, her eyes
As Urd spins faster colours dark, besides her sparkling well
Her father’s norn is weaving tight, what nobody can tell
Norns know what future lies ahead, their charms are now fulfilled
Norns’ fingers ache from all the work the Earth must soon get tilled
Sacred spinner finishes first
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn patterns years to pass with trials
Within his life, his life
II) The threads of the Norns
Silken stories, woolen ways, cotton clouds in June
Pink and yellow, baby blue, summer sand in dunes
Urd the spinner mighty maid forgotten by the man
A mystery, in a mystical place, spins further with her plan
The shaper’s fibers forms new fate, for men, for newborn child
The highest queen, her precious well, is found far out so wild
III) Father’s picture
Thorns stick to shoes, prickling the daughter’s skin
Snow is in the air, rhyming the pleas within
Urd awaits her like mountains from former times
Vast from a distance, but small as her glance declines
Scary in darkness, mighty by day
Cynical treatment, death is this way
Soothing verses as shadows in moonlit night
Damping smoke from water in daylight bright
Daughter advances, searching for sunny spot
Only through heat could the corpse of a woman rot
Well is like marshland, with bits overgrown
Mirror is covered, she cannot see it all, she cannot know it all
And she thought and believed that she saw her father’s scenes
She should have noticed all the plants surround
She’s gonna live her life in faith of hope and justice
Without the truth of dark skies and thunderstorms
Why should Urd show all as that would kill daughter’s spark
She’s gonna keep on running unknown of the dark
Unknown of the dark, unknown of the dark
And she thinks and believes in the tapestry she sees
The waves of wind in the ripe and golden fields
Her father threshing a tremendous crop all years
Pastel patterned backgrounds as she thinks she smells the feast
Then she turns around to return to where she came from
With all the memories of the future
She seems so light and fast as a fairy butterfly
Filled with hopes and will to grow stronger every day
And live the colours, live the patterns, walk by father’s side
All kinds of feedback is welcomed, but I would really like it if someone could point out my language mistakes. As I am not a native English speaker, it can be difficult to play around with words in English. So why do I choose to write in English? Firstly because there is a much wider community for amateur poets that write in English, and secondly because I write to learn.
Here goes:
Urd’s well
I) A little girl’s journey to meet her father’s fate
Wind blows whispers wicked trees, reveals the hidden truths
Pine cones crackles, shining spears, sun ignites the spark
She runs with guidance from her joy, mesmerized by mirth
So she follows beckoning paths as Urd sits spinning worlds
Sacred spinner serves her norns
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn completes the happiness
Within her heart, her heart
Lullabies and fairy tales, sounds silently through woods
Appeal for friendship, clucking creek, to surpass stories heard
She smells the flowers, blanket’s powers, secure a daughter’s dreams
She cannot see the darkening clouds that gather in Urd’s weaves
Sacred spinner colours threads
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn adds to the lucky thoughts
Within her eyes, her eyes
As Urd spins faster colours dark, besides her sparkling well
Her father’s norn is weaving tight, what nobody can tell
Norns know what future lies ahead, their charms are now fulfilled
Norns’ fingers ache from all the work the Earth must soon get tilled
Sacred spinner finishes first
Prepares the entire picture
The shaper’s yarn patterns years to pass with trials
Within his life, his life
II) The threads of the Norns
Silken stories, woolen ways, cotton clouds in June
Pink and yellow, baby blue, summer sand in dunes
Urd the spinner mighty maid forgotten by the man
A mystery, in a mystical place, spins further with her plan
The shaper’s fibers forms new fate, for men, for newborn child
The highest queen, her precious well, is found far out so wild
III) Father’s picture
Thorns stick to shoes, prickling the daughter’s skin
Snow is in the air, rhyming the pleas within
Urd awaits her like mountains from former times
Vast from a distance, but small as her glance declines
Scary in darkness, mighty by day
Cynical treatment, death is this way
Soothing verses as shadows in moonlit night
Damping smoke from water in daylight bright
Daughter advances, searching for sunny spot
Only through heat could the corpse of a woman rot
Well is like marshland, with bits overgrown
Mirror is covered, she cannot see it all, she cannot know it all
And she thought and believed that she saw her father’s scenes
She should have noticed all the plants surround
She’s gonna live her life in faith of hope and justice
Without the truth of dark skies and thunderstorms
Why should Urd show all as that would kill daughter’s spark
She’s gonna keep on running unknown of the dark
Unknown of the dark, unknown of the dark
And she thinks and believes in the tapestry she sees
The waves of wind in the ripe and golden fields
Her father threshing a tremendous crop all years
Pastel patterned backgrounds as she thinks she smells the feast
Then she turns around to return to where she came from
With all the memories of the future
She seems so light and fast as a fairy butterfly
Filled with hopes and will to grow stronger every day
And live the colours, live the patterns, walk by father’s side