The real Fairytales

FAQs, Guidelines and other general disucssions concerning writing-open to all board membership.
Post Reply
User avatar
illion
OBOD Ovate
Posts: 1709
Joined: 18 Jun 2008, 06:00
Gender: Female
Location: Norway
Contact:

The real Fairytales

Post by illion »

I'm in the poetry mood these days.

Here comes another one. This is a rewrite of another poem I wrote earlier, I've changed my wordings and some metaphors while I kept others. I would be interested in any comments that could make my poetry more professional, as I think it sometimes can be a little bit too amateurish.

The real fairytales

Fairytales can take place,
when I zoom into the black space
Now is the real stanzas revealed
Above me the night is black, when the Sun left I reread them all

I see all the stars, and Jupiter, the chieftain of the night sky
He shields me from attacks by asteroids
And this giant ball turns me into a little pebble
Caressed, as if I were a little baby, by science

Milky Way winds like a snake over the night sky
The Earth spins around herself in the body of this adder
I find myself as a part of it, and I meander around a center
I move forewards in spirals

User avatar
ShadowCat
OBOD Druid
Posts: 2293
Joined: 06 Nov 2012, 13:12
Gender: Not Specified
Location: The highlands of the Low Lands by the North Sea
Contact:

Re: The real Fairytales

Post by ShadowCat »

You ask for positive criticism so I'll start with a few remarks...

One thing that stands out to me is the singular use of the word "stanzas", since that is a plural form as far as I know. Poetry does not have to follow grammar rules but it just was something that I, as a non-native English speaker found a bit puzzling.

Another one is that, and that might be my non-poetic ass at fault, I find it hard, when reading, to find the rythm or the breaks in the rythm. Then again, if even Shakespear has many sonnets that professional readers struggle with to find the right flow, that might not be a criticism, but just a charactertrait of this poem.

I'll take liberty to just play a bit with it... don't consider the below a "correction", but just another person taking your creation as a base, filling in their own words and melody.

The real fairytales

Fairytales take place
when I gaze into black space
So is true stanza revealed
night black above, I'll forever reread

Seeing all stars, guarded by Jupiter, the chieftain of the night sky
Shielding me from astroid's peril,
His greatness turns me into a tiny pebble
Caressed and safe, as if I were a babe, by science

Milky Way's path winds, a snake in the night's sky
The Earth a spinning speck of dust on the in the body of the adder
I find myself spinning too, a part of it all,
and as I meander around the center, I dance foreward, in spirals
Three sounds one should treasure:
the whisper of the wind through the leaves
the songs of one's heart
the callings of the universe

Golden Harps are like cookies, you can never have just one
:gulp: Mead, glorious mead
Sacred spaces and places

User avatar
Ascenscia
OBOD Bard
Posts: 87
Joined: 02 Apr 2020, 21:38
Gender: Female
Location: Great Smoky Mountains
Contact:

Re: The real Fairytales

Post by Ascenscia »

I think the poem has some great imagery, but as ShadowCat pointed out, there may be better ways to paint those pictures. There isn’t really a rhythm, but I find that in some of the great English poets as well. Again, my forte is grammar, so I’ll probably say more about that.

Let’s start with the title. Are you talking about particular fairytales? If not, I might title it “Real Fairytales.” “The” implies there are certain fairytales that are real and you’re going to talk about them.

Line 1 - Do you want to say these fairytales are possible (can) or that they do occur (remove “can” and keep “take place”)?
Line 2 - “black of space.” “Black space” is perfectly grammatical, but when you add “the” it adds a specificity to space as if there are several “spaces” and you’re zooming into the black one, not the red one.
Line 3 - “Stanzas” is plural, so you should use “are” instead of “is.”
Line 4 - add a comma - “when the Sun left, I reread them all.” I might suggest “as the sun set, I reread them all”
Line 5 - “all” bothers me, but there isn’t really a reason other than it being nearly impossible to see all the starts at the same time. “I see the stars” sounds better.
Line 8 - “little baby” is perfectly fine. “Infant“ is another way to say that.
Line 9 - I like ShadowCat’s suggestion of using a metaphor instead of a simile for the Milky Way: “Milky Way winds, a snake across the night sky.”
Lines 11 & 12 - You use “I” three times which is a little repetitive since there isn’t really a pattern to it (think Triads). “I find myself as a part of it, meandering around a center / Moving forwards in spirals” (I love this, by the way!)

There is some great stuff here. Keep going!
Life is a journey...

Ascenscia

Image

User avatar
illion
OBOD Ovate
Posts: 1709
Joined: 18 Jun 2008, 06:00
Gender: Female
Location: Norway
Contact:

Re: The real Fairytales

Post by illion »

Thanks to both of you!

I really appreciate the input from you.

Now I can fix the language issues, and I have to work on the rythm. One of the things I want to do while playing with poetry, is to not use the same metre (is that what it is called in English?) throughout my poems, I want there to be a shift, but the rythm must work. I will go through your corrections, Shadowcat, as I think they were very concrete and it was easy for me to understand what you meant.

Post Reply