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Posted: 14 Sep 2005, 14:42
A brief commercial message
interrupts the story yet again ... No, don't go out to put the kettle on, stay here and listen!
Disembodied, sonorous male voice - You may by now have some questions. Questions which trouble you deeply...
Questions such as, what will Dair Ciuin discover when he steps through the door of the Gwers Lab? Why is there a light outside which is currently flashing red? (For there is). Is it a warning light? Why can't Lorraine ever find the bit that does accents on her keyboard? Furthermore, why is Gladys charging Beith for Bushmills when they left the pub some time ago? Did Beith sneak some out, or did she find a supply in OBOD towers, and if so, is Gladys trying to pull a fast one? Does Phlipp actually plan to meet our intrepid group or will he too, try to pull a fast one? (As if he would). And why does the water spiral down the opposite way in the plughole in the Southern Hemisphere?
Don’t worry, my friends. All of these questions are answered, and more, in our booklet, ‘The Meaning of Life’ available from OBOD Towers. Call our dedicated hotline NOW to find out how you can obtain a copy.... our friendly and helpful Bards are waiting to speak to you!
Posted: 14 Sep 2005, 18:49
“There, that should confound them for awhile!” said Susan Jones, hurrying back to the terrace from the front room of the office suite.
“What did you do, Susan?” asked Stephanie.
“I just changed the arrow on the front desk, and wrote on it that visitors should go widdershins down the hallway. They’re sure to get lost down that way, at least long enough for us to figure out what to do.”
“Damh,” said Phllip, “did you say that Nims reported an ogress was with them?”
“Yes, Phlipp, that’s what she said. I’m thinking it must be Gladys; how many ogresses do we know?”
“Ah, yes, Gladys," said Phlipp. "Tell me, Damh, did you know that they have three?”
“Well, er, perhaps you didn’t see, but when I snatched the pumpkin medallion away from her, my hand brushed against -- and I assure you it was an accident -- but, well, they have three!”
“I still don’t understand,” said Damh, looking around at Susan Jones and Stephanie, who had just walked up.
“Ah, well, you see,” said Phlipp, blushing furiously, “it’s bosoms of course that I mean. I never knew it, but ogresses have three bosoms, a perfect triad of …”
“Phlipp!” shouted Susan and Stephanie together.
“What is this organization coming to,” muttered Susan, hands on hips. “A crisis of epic proportions that could have OBOD bowing in disgrace, and our Chosen Chief is fixating on the great green bosoms of an ogress! And where is Billy Joe Bob?”
“Aw, don’t get lumps in yer gravy, I’m here,” said the cowboy, stumping out onto the terrace wearing his boots, cowboy hat and red flannel longjohns. “What’s a feller gotta do to get some sleep around here?”
“Listen, Mister Druid Cowboy Tutor,” hissed Susan. “If you hadn’t left those letters sitting out where anybody could see them, we wouldn’t be in this mess, would we?”
“Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit,” said the Texan. “How was I ‘sposed to know that you was sendin’ a bunch of folks out to the ranch, and how was I ‘sposed to know that them idgits would march right in the front door and start spyin’ around? And on top o’ that, who was it that screwed up the Homin’ Spell on that thar punkin thang, huh? The way I heared it, if that dadgum thang hadn’t been a floatin’ around all over the place, nobody but mebbe Selene woulda figgered out nothin’ anyhow.”
A fight would have ensued on the terrace right then and there, but Phlipp quickly stepped in and exerted his authority.
“We don’t need to be casting blame right now. What we need are solutions! Hmmm,” he said, pacing. “Susan, what was it you said about ‘OBOD bowing in disgrace?’ By gods! That gives me an idea! But I hear noises downstairs. Susan, it looks like your little diversion didn’t delay them as long as we’d hoped. No time to explain, the rest of you just follow my lead!”
Suddenly a door opened and out onto the terrace marched Kat Lady, followed by Seeker, Wren MacDonald, Wolf Spirit, Crow, Lorraine, Dryadia2, CelticDao and Gladys. Dair Ciúin, of course, was still exploring the Gwers Development Lab, and Beith and Lily were practicing Bushmillsancy at the Stonehenge Club, which, thanks to Susan Jones’ bit of subterfuge, the group had discovered during their wanderings on the 78th floor.
“Okay folks, the jig’s up,” said Seeker, leaning heavily on Heyoka. “With apologies to Beith, who I see is not with us anyway, none of us believe what you said about tootering, and Kat Lady here saw a letter written to her in Texas that would seem to indicate that Billy Joe Bob is masquerading as a tutor. You must admit that’s a shocking prospect, so now we all think it’s time for you to come clean!”
Sighing theatrically, Phlipp Phlopp strode around the terrace.
“Quite right, quite right,” he finally said. “You see, we only had the best interests of the organization in mind, but the story about tootering and Gwers 8,642 was a total fabrication. I can see now that we were wrong to mislead you, and that only the truth will do, and that we must rely on your good judgment to not repeat anything I’m about to tell you until the proper time. Isn’t that right, Susan, Steph, Damh, Billy Joe Bob?”
The four of then nodded affirmatively, nervously wondering where their leader was going with this.
Phlipp continued: “Well, as most of you know by now, part of the druidic tradition is honoring the ancestors, and that involves some study, some genealogical work, and, well, Billy Joe Bob here is no different.”
Phlipp paused for effect and saw that he was met with blank stares, none blanker than those on the faces of Susan, Billy Joe Bob, Damh and Stephanie.
Clearing his throat, he plunged ahead. “Yes, well, in exploring his past, Billy Joe Bob came across quite a shocking discovery, one that we’d hoped to conceal until the appropriate time. In fact this was supposed to be a surprise, but I see now that there’s nothing for it but to reveal the truth.
“It’s like this,” he said, “the letter you saw, Kat Lady, and all the other letters like it, were indeed forgeries in the names of your tutors, and in fact they were invitations … invitations to come here, to OBOD Tower, for a rather special event. A surprise coronation, in fact.”
“Coronation?” said Kat Lady, Seeker, Wolf Spirit and Wren MacDonald together.
Phlipp looked over to Susan Jones, Damh, Stephanie and Billy Joe Bob, but saw that they all had a rather pasty look.
He swallowed hard and continued:
“Yes, well, you see, it’s about the genealogical work and honoring the ancestors … Billy Joe Bob’s, I mean. You see, Billy Joe Bob’s last name isn’t really Fodd. His surname was changed to Fodd many centuries ago to conceal his relatives’ true identity. Much work remains to be done to ascertain just why this was necessary, and that is why we weren’t quite ready to reveal all of this, but the truth is … Susan, do you want to tell them?”
Susan Jones, looking like she was about to faint, managed to shake her head “no.”
“Oh very well then,” said Phlipp, “I’ll do it.”
The Chosen Chief strode over near the cowboy, who was still clad only in his underwear. Looking Billy Joe Bob up and down, Phlipp finally turned to the others and said, “No, he isn't a T-U-T-O-R, nor is he a T-O-O-T-E-R. The truth is, he’s a T-U-D-O-R, and the rightful heir to the British throne."
Except for the loud crash of Susan Jones fainting onto the floor, there was complete silence and nobody moved. Even Crow had stopped scribbling in his notebook.
“Ah! I see at least one of you has the right idea!” said Phlipp brightly, looking at Susan’s prone figure. “All the rest of you, please bow to your king!”
After what seemed like an eternity, Crow finally saw movement. It was Lorraine, who stepped two paces forward and curtsied deeply to Billy Joe Bob.
Crow shook his head and blinked. He wondered what would happen next …
Posted: 14 Sep 2005, 23:03
Lorraine was starting to feel slightly embarrassed, down there in her deep curtsey. She could feel her companion’s unease - never a good thing to feel, and if she was honest with herself, doing this sort of thing was quite out of character. She knew what had prompted her impulsive act, though, and the reason went back a few months. It was a well-known law in Britain that all doctors and dentists waiting rooms had to have many well-thumbed copies of Cheerio! magazine. It cut down on the need for anaesthetic for some reason no-one yet understood. What was less well known was that a new law had come out this year, requiring B&B’s to stock the magazines, too. In all that time while she had been waiting for new customers to turn up, Lorraine had grown so bored that she began to look through the statutory stack of magazines (any way of avoiding working on her Ovate Gwers). Gradually, those glossy pages had sucked her in, and she had allowed herself to dream a little. So many minor celebrities! So many lovely homes! Wasn’t Camilla looking well these days now she was a respectable married woman! So many handsome European princes from minor principalities she’d never even heard of!
Just before she had gone into her curtsey, she eyed Billy Joe Bob speculatively. Well no-one would call him handsome by any stretch of the imagination. But still, if he was truly the heir to the throne... She wondered if he was single?
Now, on the roof terrace of OBOD Towers, faced with the stunned silence of her companions, she was coming back down to earth, and her ‘handsome’ prince was... well, starting to look like a cowboy in longjohns. She blushed as deeply as her curtsey, straightened up and scurried to the back of the group, waiting for someone else to act...
Posted: 15 Sep 2005, 00:25
Dair Ciúin was still inside the Gwers Lab, reading through a large book titled Abandoned Concepts. Some of these concepts were actually quite interesting, though he was a little surprised to find a photo of Phlipp Phlopp wearing tight jeans and a multi-coloured mullet.
"Eighties Druidry" Dair Ciúin shook his head. Some things were best left forgotten.
Posted: 15 Sep 2005, 02:26
Kat looked at Lorraine with a raised eyebrow. As a Kat, she would never curtsey. Too undignified. With a sigh, she turned back to the Chosen Leader and thought something was rotten in Denmark. Most likely fish. And this was Britain so of course there was a lot of fish and chips. Hmmmmm…fish…
She shook her head and realized that wasn’t her thought. Someone had put it there to distract her! She narrowed her eyes and sniffed the air to find the culprit. Kats always could smell nervousness. Her eyes settled on non other than Phlipp Phlopp. Yep, it was him. He was the rotten smell, or maybe it was his feet. So she did what any Kat would do to make someone 'fess up. She stared. Anyone who knows kats knows they can stare anyone down, even Chosen Chiefs.
Phlipp Phlopp stared back. His brow started to bead. Try as he could, he just knew he was caught in the Kat stare and there was no escape. And right when he thought he would have no choice but to spill the beans, Susan Jones stepped in front on him and said, "Enough!" in her best Tutor Coordinator voice.
Silence. It was so quiet, you could not even hear Gladys's three bosoms heaving in anticipation.
"This has gone on long enough!" She glared at everyone. The sudden fainting on the floor had been the last straw. She had endured much during her tenure in the OBOD tower. She had put up with many of the miscreants that frequented the Foggy Duck, had spent many hours matching people to the perfect mentors only to see them eaten In the Trees, and put up with cleaning that dang hot tub every time Mr. Chosen Chief decided to have a party with the animals. She was mad as hell and just wasn't going to take it anymore.
"Do you really want to know the truth? Well I'll tell you the truth!"
Everyone leaned forward to hear as Susan started. "Well, it all started when..."
Posted: 15 Sep 2005, 03:11
Yet another commercial break...
This is becoming like American tele!
Greetings! So what we must ask ourselves at this point is:
1) Just what is Dair Ciúin reading in the Gwers Development Lab?
2) What will Beith and Lily discover using Bushmillancy?
3) Where is Selene, Kernos and her medallion?
4) What happened to Celtic Dao and the cat?
5) Where did Lorraine learn how to curtsey?
6) Who let the Kat in
7) And just what is Seeker seeking?
But the most important questions we must ask ourselves is: Will our gaggle of advernturers ever discover the truth about Billy Joe Bob Fodd Tudor? And how come Ogresses have three of them?
Posted: 15 Sep 2005, 05:18
Just as Susan was about to enlighten everyone with 'the truth', Dryadia2 drifted off into a daydream. She was preoccupied with the disappointment of finding out that Gwers 8,642 was a total fabrication, and she had so been looking forward to continuing her Druidic studies, and learning the mysteries of that elusive Gwers. She was thinking about how she had always respected the natural unfolding of the gwersi, when she realized her telepathic dryad link with a certain mischievous elf snapped her out of the daydream as she blurted out: "Dair Ciúin!" "He's in the gwersi Development Lab." "I better go get him before he discovers something out of sequence!" So Dryadia2 begged forgiveness for her outburst, and asked to be pardoned so that she could go fetch that impish elf.
Taking the elevator to the 78th floor, she found Beith and Lily discussing Bushmillancy at the Stonehenge Club over pints of mead. "Do either of you know where the gwersi Development Lab is by chance?" inquired Dryadia2. "The signs in the hall are all pointing widdershins, and I'm lost."
Meanwhile, back on the terrace...
Posted: 15 Sep 2005, 13:51
...Seeker surveyed the room - this was getting interesting!
Dryadia had just left the room to see what kind of trouble Dair Ciúin was getting into down in the Gwers Development Lab - hhmmm, why the heck would you need a lab to develop gwers?
Wolf Spirit and Wren seemed to be in deep conversation over on the left side of the room and he anticipated they were formulating some kind of plan of action.
Crow and CelticDao were busy helping Lorraine to her feet after she had unexpectedly gone into a curtsey at the presence of that long-johnned attired cowboy. Tudor...do we really look that dumb?
Good old Billy Joe Bob Fodd Tudor was smiling mighty sweet at Gladys - and she was smiling back! That made Seeker shudder...but to each his own. Hadn't really thought about Gladys....mmm, three? The possibilities were endless...
Damh and Stephanie were setting themselves up on either side of Phlipp Phlopp ready to catch him if he fainted under Kat Lady's gaze.
Kat had just tried to stare down Phlipp Phlopp and was close to making some headway when Susan jumped in - gosh, just the thought of those eyes boring into your head made him shiver. Kat had such natural talent in intimidation that it just wasn't natural.
The only ones with any real sense around here were Beith and Lily practicing Bushmillancy down in the Stonehenge Club - now, those two ladies at least had their priorities straight!
"Enough" Susan had said and everybody had froze. "Do you really want to know the truth? Well I'll tell you the truth!"
"Truth...they can't handle the truth!" shouted Phlipp Phlopp going into his best Jack Nicholson impression. Actually, it wasn't bad either...but how did he suddenly get those sunglasses on? Kind of looks like Jack in those shades...nice effect!
"Oh, Phlipp...not the Nicholson thing again! " Susan said. "We are really getting tired of that. Can't you do someone else?" she pleaded.
Seeker had had enough. Time for some answers...he walked directly in front of Phlipp Phlopp and started spinning Heyoka.
"Oh my, Seeker...do you really think you can threaten me with a spell from your staff? For god's sake man...your only a bard! Even with some studying on your own, your not a match for me. You probably haven't even read Gwers 68 yet!" laughed Phlipp. In fact, the laugh sounded reminicent of the Joker from Batman. Not Nicholson again...
Seeker promptly swung his staff across Phlipp's knees "Spell? I don't need no stinkin' spell! Remember the movie...Hoffa?" Phlipp grabbed his knees and hit the floor...
Posted: 16 Sep 2005, 19:01
Just as things were turning ugly, the terrace door opened and in ran the horned one himself -- Kernos -- and with him was Selene.
Wolf Spirit saw that Kernos' pumpkin medallion was safely around his neck, and the sight of it gave her a sense of calm. At last, she thought, someone had arrived who was clearly capable of handling this situation, which was rapidly spiraling out of control.
All fell silent as Kernos spoke:
"Aha! I see that we're not a moment too soon! Selene alerted me that her pumpkin medallion had gone missing, and then when I also received an urgent message from Susan on my answering machine about an unspecified crisis at OBOD Tower, I put two and two together, and we came here as fast as we could. Phlipp, hand me Selene's medallion!"
The Chosen Chief was in too much pain to argue, so he handed the medallion to Kernos, who quickly stuffed it into the crane bag he wore at his side.
Rooting around inside the bag, he brought out a handful of pamphlets. "Here, I think I have enough of these for all of you," he said, passing them around. "I put these pamphlets together for new Administrators
, and in it I think we may find an explanation for most of what has gone wrong here.
Everyone looked at the pamphlets, the covers of which looked like this:
"Now, if you'd all turn to Page 9, Paragraph 3, Article 6, you'll see what I'm talking about," said Kernos.
"Phlipp, you may be the Chosen Chief, and Susan, you may be the Tutor Coordinator, and Damh, you may be the Bard Emeritus, but let me point out that NONE of you are Administrators
, and because you are not Administrators
, and because you dabbled in the affairs of Administrators
and touched a medallion that had already been assigned, it has affected your own good judgment."
Kat Lady started to read:
The Pumpkin Medallion
Once a pumpkin medallion has been assigned to an Administrator it can only be handled by an Administrator unless a Revocation Spell is first used. Although the medallion may be recalled by any Druid of sufficient strength by use of a Homing Spell, unless the medallion's powers are first revoked, the thought processes of anyone touching the medallion will be adversely affected, and pandemonium will ensue."
Kat Lady looked up and saw that Kernos was again ready to speak:
"I sent one of these pamphets to all of you here at OBOD Tower. Didn't you receive it? Didn't any of you bother to read it?"
Seeker saw that every member of the Office Staff was blushing, and he knew the answer to Kernos' question without anyone having to say anything more.
"Well, I think that just about wraps things up, doesn't it?" chirped Wren MacDonald.
Just then Beith and Lily staggered onto the terrace, the wisdom of Bushmillsancy apparent in their eyes.
"Hick. What'd we miss?" slurred Lily.
Kat Lady was thinking, or trying to. Was Wren right? Did Kernos' expanation wrap things up into a tidy bundle? Or was Lily right? Was something still missing?
She wondered what would happen next ...
Posted: 16 Sep 2005, 19:19
But Beith was not wondering. For alone, among all of them, she knew . . .
Posted: 17 Sep 2005, 02:28
A moment later, Dryadia2 returned with Dair Ciúin, (having safely rescued him from another potentially disasterous situation).
"No worries folks!" she gleefully declared. "All gwersi were still in their locked file drawers, so nothing was discovered."
(Dair Ciúin giggles)
"What's so funny?" Dryadia2 asks. Suddenly she receives a telepathic image from Dair Ciúin of a photo of Phlipp Phlopp wearing tight jeans and a multi-coloured mullet.
"Um, Um" Dryadia2 studders and fidgets, trying desperately to block out the image, while attempting to keep a straight face. Then glancing over at Philipp, she notices that he's laying on the floor grasping his knees. "What happened?" "What's going on here?"
Did the room seem smaller or are there a lot more people here than there were a few minutes ago?
Stephanie and Susan helped Philipp to his feet.
Damh loudly plucked a sour note on his lyre, while squinting and sneering at Seeker.
And Seeker, was giving Heyoka a thorough inspection, as if to be checking for damage. (What was that all about? Dryadia2 didn't have a clue...but that's not surprising.)
Lily and Beith were standing, er rather wobbling nearby, clearly still enjoying the effects of the mead.
Wren MacDonald and Kat Lady were looking at pamphlets. Then again, everyone seemed to have one. But while Wren had a rather satisfied look on her face, Kat Lady had a very skeptical look, and her tail was twitching.
Hmmm, something is definately not quite right here...
Then there was Crow nervously preening his tailfeathers.
Lorraine was standing with arms crossed and foot tapping, as if waiting for something more to happen.
Billy Joe Bob was kinda hunkered down over in the corner as if not wanting to be seen...kinda unusual for him to act that way, even if he WAS still in his red-flannel long-johns.
In fact the only people with pleasant looks on their faces were Wolf Spirit (who is always cheery), CelticDao (who appeared to be in a meditative state), and Gladys (obviously quite proud of her physique).
Then came the sound of an authoritative male voice; an aire of command that could only come from someone with Administrative Power! It was Kernos! And the orange pumpkin medallion that hung around his neck glowed brighter as his voice got louder.
But Selene, who was standing nearby, wasn't wearing her medallion. She stood quietly, with the regality that only felines possess.
As Kernos spoke, the orange pumpkin medallion around his neck glowed, and although Kernos's voice was commanding, everyone seemed to be focused on the glow coming from his cranebag....
Posted: 19 Sep 2005, 14:45
We now return you to you regularly scheduled program.
We interrupt this here program on account of we gotsta do some advertisin'. A quality show like this un here don't just happen fer free, ye know. Nope, somebody's gotsta pay the bills, and this time the thing that's gonna do the payin' is the Esther Fodd, and I don't mean my granny, but the poetizin' contest.
Yep, ye can get yerself total informed by goin to the Eisteddfod Competition (I know, I know, somebody spelt it wrong!) forum and readin' Rancid's Fack, but the short and sweet version of it be this: The whole kit and kaboodle is gonna kick off on Sept. 24, and everbody can join in the fun. Ye don't gotsta be an OBOD member or nuthin' to partycipate.
Jes think about it. If I kin stand here in my longjohns and not be too ashamed, then I reckon it oughter be easy for the rest of ye to write down a little rhymin' and sich and post it fer others to see.
So rattle yer hocks on over to granny's forum -- they named that contest after her, ye know -- and read the answers to them questions that other folks has done asked, and if that don't settle yer water, then hurry up and ask a question of yer own.
Now that there is the end of this advertisin', and we're gonna head on back to the reglar scheduled thing, where I think Kernos was a-strainin' to say sumpin. Go ahead, spit it out, big fella ...
Posted: 19 Sep 2005, 15:56
It was then that Kat Lady had a terriffic idea, to break the ice so to speak...Out of her 007 Kat Collar she pulled a packet of Jiffy Pop Popcorn, What fun!
Billy Joe Bob spoke up: "I'll make a campfire to pop the corn, but I'll need some firewood." Crow offered to help fan the fire to get it started (he's so good with hot air you see!).
Well it just so happened that there was a nice cord of stacked wood on the wall next to the ski-lodge-style-free-standing fireplace near the hottub.
While Lorraine, Wren MacDonald, Wolf Spirit, and Gladys gathered wood for the fire; Beith and Lily helped Dryadia2 make a pitcher of lemonade to go with the popcorn.
Dair Ciúin motioned for Damh to play some appropriate music, while Seeker tapped Heyoka on the floor gently to the beat.
CelticDao chanted Awens, and everyone in the room seemed to calm down and take deep breaths.
And just as everyone was snacking on popcorn, laughing and enjoying each others company...
The door burst open, and in rushed Lady Nimue. "Sorry to bust up your little party, but we have a crisis, and are in need of immediate attention by those who wield Administrative Power!"
All eyes were upon Selene and Kernos, and everyone wondered what would happen next...
Posted: 19 Sep 2005, 16:47
...now this is kind of fun...thought Seeker. He was tapping Heyoka on the floor to some great music provided by Damh. Everything seemed a little more normal now...can't understand why he actually tapped Philipp on the knees like that. He's normally not a violent person, but something seemed to come over me when he came near that damn medallion with the Administrative Power.
Strange, a lot of people had been acting out of character...but, that all seems to be over now....wait a minute...I'm starting to feel kind of dizzy...almost drunk! What did Beith, Lily and Dryadia2 put put in this lemonade...that's not like them...or is it?
Just before Seeker passed out, he thought he had seen Lady Nimue come running in...shouting something about a crisis...or party or... something. Right before his head hit the floor and everything went black, Seeker thought he caught a glimpse of...
Posted: 19 Sep 2005, 18:59
“Wait a minute, time out!” shouted Lorraine.
Everyone stopped what he or she was doing and looked expectantly at the bed and breakfast proprietress.
“I know this is just the second time I’ve participated in a pub crawl,” she said, “but I have been paying attention, you see, and I think I understand the way of things.”
She reached into a pocket, pulled out a sheet of paper and unfolded it. Everyone waited to see what was on the paper, and what was on her mind.
“Yes, as I was saying, I’m still rather new to all of this, but it seems to me that in pub crawls – or at least the best ones – certain events have to happen, and what I have here is a checklist. What I’d like to do now is go down the list and see what, if anything, is missing.”
Wolf Spirit nodded her approval, thinking that here was a lady who showed real organizational skill and a can-do attitude. In short, she possessed all the qualities necessary to running a bed and breakfast and to being a Greening Gaia moderator.
“Now I’m going to go down the list and see if we’ve missed any of the requirements necessary for a successful pub crawl, and if we find that we’ve missed anything, we’ll attend to it directly. And so, let us begin,” said Lorraine.
“Number 1: Beith must show up and say something about shoes.”
Walking over to Phlipp’s laptop computer, which was still sitting on a nearby serving trolley, Lorraine tapped a few keys, then said, “Ah yes, here it is, right here on the first page. So for number one on our list … Check!”
Seeker thumped Heyoka on the floor in approval, but this caused him to spill his popcorn. He grumbled some about that, but quieted as Lorraine continued.
“Number 2: Crow must make a big show about not wanting to be involved, but must get dragged into the thing kicking and screaming, even though everyone knows that he really wants to be a part of things."
Hmmm, let’s see, yes, here it is, also right on the first page! Number two on our list … Check!”
“Number 3: Kat Lady must do something embarrassing involving the passing of a bodily fluid.”
Lorraine hummed to herself while tapping the keys. Finally she said, “Yes! Here it is, also right on the first page! You’ll all remember when Kat Lady yarked up the hairball in the elevator, I think that qualifies! So number three is also a resounding check!”
Kat Lady snarled a little at this, but not too loudly, and waited for Lorraine to continue.
“Okay, Number 4: Billy Joe Bob must arrive and utter some incomprehensible blather in Texanese."
"Yes, no problem there, I don’t even have to look it up to be sure. Number four is a check!"
Walking to and fro in front of the others, Lorraine continued as the others ate, drank, and tried to pay attention.
“Number 5: An editor’s note must be posted that sets out the rules and invites new people to participate in the pub crawl," Lorraine read.
"Yes, again, first page, here it is, and it worked, too, because we have Wren MacDonald and Wolf Spirit here, and also Dryadia2 and Eosaidh. So I think we all agree that number five is also a check!
“Number 6: All pub crawls should at some point visit The Foggy Duck."
Lorraine smiled. "Yes, I know we were all there at one point. Again, I'm certain of it; no need to make sure. So number six is a check!”
Now beginning to really enjoy the attention, she continued:
“Number 7: Some people should get drunk."
"Hmmm, yes, I think we’ve accomplished that,” she said, again tapping the keys on Phlipp’s computer. “Yes, right here on page one some of us practiced the art of beeromancy, and and then others of us – some of the same others of us – practiced bushmillsancy, and, oh my, I’m starting to feel warm … what’s in this lemonade? But anyway, the point is, number seven must also be a check.”
“Number 8: A successful pub crawl must have a rambling, incomprehensible plot that leaves everyone confused and wondering if all the questions had been answered."
Lorraine stopped her pacing and said, "So let me just ask everyone here, are you confused? Do you still have questions?”
She was almost overwhelmed by the shouted questions and protests about what they were all doing eating popcorn and drinking spiked lemonade on top of an 80-story skyscraper in the middle of the night. She heard questions about tutors and tooters and Tudors, knew she didn’t have any answers herself, and finally, using her best breakfast-is-served screech, managed to quiet everyone.
“Well, I think that answers number 8. None of us have the slightest idea about why we’re really here, and none of this makes a bit of sense, so that’s another check!
“Number 9: Everyone in the pub crawl must at some point be thoroughly humiliated by what has occurred. Yes, speaking for myself, curtseying to Billy Joe Bob really did it for me, and I know Kat Lady didn’t enjoy that hairball, and our Office Staff, I’m sure, didn’t enjoy having all their little secrets exposed. Am I right?”
Again everyone started grumbling and exclaiming about the embarrassment of being involved in the pub crawl – everyone except Beith and Lily, of course, for they had passed out and were sitting propped up against a wall, with identical silly grins on their faces.
“Yes, I think number nine must also get a check,” said Lorraine, drinking the last of her lemonade and fanning herself with a handy copy of Touchstone.
“And that brings us to the last one, she said, and there may be a problem here.”
What is it? What’s number ten, chirped Wren MacDonald.
“Number 10:” said Lorraine. “Every successful pub crawl must have someone who is willing to say ‘The End.’ And certainly no one has said it yet. We can’t check this one off yet.”
“Well dadgum it, is that all we gotta do?” asked Billy Joe Bob, hitching up his longjohns and stepping forward. “Ya’ll listen here on account of I’m just gonna say this oncet: I reckon this here is THE END.”
Lorraine smiled a satisfied smile and made a check mark on her paper. Turning the paper over, she grabbed a colored marker, used it to write something, then held it up for all to see. In bold strokes, the words on the paper read:
Posted: 20 Sep 2005, 03:00
Another great Pub Crawl! Kudos to all the partcipants
I really enjoyed this one!
Posted: 20 Sep 2005, 03:02
I had a blast with this one myself! Wonderful to see all of the new participants having fun!
Posted: 20 Sep 2005, 04:05
A very enjoyable Pub Crawl.
The moral of the story... never underestimate Administrative Power
Posted: 20 Sep 2005, 04:42
Pub Crawlin' is fun! Thanks everyone for such a good time!
Peace and Blessings,
Posted: 20 Sep 2005, 13:48
Yes, this one was a lot of fun. Certainly it's Attic material, I think!