Pub Crawl: Bardic Duel in the Druid's head!

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Post by Warrior/Bard » 03 Mar 2004, 15:22

12 hour days,7 days a week;
30 minute drive each way;
The Warrior thrives,but the Bards asleep,
But I think he shall wake today;

Mushroom circles, such a lovely dream!
I shall re-string my harp and play!
A moments peace to reclaim myself,
And to hold my Demons at bay; :harp:


The minstrel boy to the war is gone,
In the ranks of death you will find him;
His father's sword he hath girded on,
And his wild harp slung behind him;

"Land of Song!" cried the warrior bard,
"Tho' all the world betrays thee,
One sword, at least, thy rights shall guard,
One faithful harp shall praise thee!"

The Minstrel fell but the foeman's steel
Could not bring that proud soul under;
The harp he loved never spoke again,
For he tore its chords asunder;

And said "No chains shall sully thee,
Thou soul of love and bravery!
Thy songs were made for the pure and free
They shall never sound in slavery!

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Post by Azrienoch » 03 Mar 2004, 16:56

Oakwyse, Alferian, and Azrienoch listened for any noise coming from the other side of the door, and the door was the only thing between Beith and the three wizards.
A bloodcurdling scream arose, and the trio jumped back from the door. "I...I think that was an Egyptian word," Azrienoch stammered. Alferian twisted and curled his moustache, "Egyptian, hmmm? Ah, Cleopatra. Beiths bloodthirst continues into the underworld, home of the dead."
Oakwyse thought for a moment, "We should call on our spirit guides to take on their animal form." Azrienoch stared blankly, "Wait, do we do that?" Alferian wacked the back of his head and turned to Oakwyse. "We should just call on our Native American friends to help us, we are all on the common quest."
The three made a circle and called out through the spirit realm to their indian bretheren. Within seconds, a mob of genuine Native Americans showed up. Alferian scanned the crowd, and the Chief stepped forward. "You have called on us, but why? Can you not see that you have no place in our tribe? You have to be of full blood, and speak the native tounge."
Alferian's left eyebrow rose, "That warrior over there doesn't look like a native, he looks white." The Chief looked back at the one Alferian was speaking of. "Ah, yes, the pale one. His name is Skin for that very reason. He's not full blood, but he speaks the native tounge better than even I do. Show 'em Skin!"
The one called Skin stepped forward, calmly, and suddenly started shouting, " YOU MOTHER <explisitive deleted>, YOU JUST <explisitive deleted> <explisitive deleted>, AND <explisitive deleted><explisitive deleted><explisitive deleted><explisitive deleted><explisitive deleted><explisitive deleted>, SO THERE!! Pig <explisitive deleted>," and he stepped back. The Cheif turned back to the three wizards, a big smile on his face. Azrienoch stepped forward quickly, "Hey, I can do that!" Alferian opened his robe slightly, a gesture that no one else saw except Azrienoch, and revealed his beating cane. Azrienoch looked up into Alferians eyes, which seemed to say, "That's right, I brought it." A smile curled over Alferians face. Azrienoch grabbed his golf bag and slunk to the corner.
Oakwyse called upon the Great Spirit, Wolfwalker, to send the Indians away. The two master wizards meditated, and at the same time, came up with the same idea. "We will call upon the greatest of the great grandmaster wizards of all time, EVER!" They exclaimed at the same time. They cast their circle, called the four corners, lit some incense, grabbed a wand for each hand, used the banishing of the pentagram ritual, and invoked the spirit. "KERNOS! WE CALL UPON YOUR ADMINISTRATIVE POWER!"
A fog came over the room, flashes of lightning struck the ground, and with a burst of flame a tall mysterious figure emerged from the smoke....

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Post by Azrienoch » 03 Mar 2004, 18:17

All people, places, and situations are entirely fictitional. Any similarities to
real people, places, and situations is entirely coincidental and accidental.
No apprentices were hurt during the production of this epic, as according to
the written contracts of World Apprentice Union #3284.
All rights reserved (C) 1109 A.D.

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Post by Alferian » 04 Mar 2004, 05:01

Out of the mists stepped the cloaked figure of a man with deer antlers towering over his head. In one hand he held a snake and in the other a golden torc. With a magisterial snap of his wrist the snake stiffened and changed into a magnificent wand. It's handle was a black coiled cobra with pearl eyes and its point an obelisk covered in Egyptian hieroglyphs. He handed it to Azrienoch.

"Here kid, take this would ya."

The lad's eyes widened. "Wow!"

"No, really, go ahead. Keep it. I just won it in a game of dice with my old friend Thoth. We were down in Circle 6 playing with King Arthur and Sir Bedevere."

"Gee thanks"

"Wait a minute," said Alferian, "King Arthur is in the circle devoted to heretics?"

"Ni!! Oh, sorry. Hiccups. Yes, the place is chock-a-block with pagans from the pre-Christian era."

"But King Arthur was thoroughly Christianized, wasn't he? That's what that Welshman in Circle 8 kept saying."

Kernos shook his antlered head. "No, the Arthurian legends were Christianized, but that was centuries after Arthur was dead. Too late, I'm afraid. Circle six. But it's good company. Good Scotch too. Ni!!"

"Scotch?" said Oakwyse shouldering his pipes. "Let's go!"

"Hang on! Aren't you forgetting we came here to rescue Beith?"

"Oh, right. Kernos, old friend, can you use your great Administrative powers to open that doorway. Cleopatra says that Beith is through there, undoubtedly embroiled in some lascivious acts of a truly disgusting nature."

"Yes, hurry!" said Azrienoch.

"Don't wave that thing around," said Alferian eyeing the cobra wand, "You'll put an eye out." He turned to Kernos, "Yes, administrators can do all sorts of magical things, we mere moderators can't. I admit, I was wishing on page one that I had started this brawl in Discuss Druidry so I could edit that bit where Azrienoch peed on us..."

Kernos slipped the golden torc around his neck and dug in his pockets for old Gaulish coins. Then he began an incantation that made everyone's hair stand on end. The ground shook and the doorway began to glow.

"Ouch!" said Cleopatra after she rolled off her couch onto the stone floor. "What's he up to? What language is that?"

"Gaulish?" said Azrienoch.

"Celiberian, I think," said Alferian.

"No, it's HTML !" cried Oakwyse, ducking as the crumbling masonry flew past his head.

Cleopatra ran into his arms and the white-robed Druid clutched her waist with one hand and his bagpipes with the other.

"Now!" shouted Kernos raising both hands and scattering some Roman coins at the door. Oakwyse blew into the chanter...


The doors burst open with a cascade of fireballs and smoke. Oakwyse marched through, still holding on to Cleopatra and they disappeared into billows of white steam.

Azrienoch looked at Alferian. Alferian looked at Kernos. The tall antlered man nodded for them to go ahead. Alferian pulled a gold pocket watch from his vest pocket and said, "Ah, ha -- look at the time. It's tea time." He spun on his heel, but Kernos sternly took him by the shoulders and propelled him through the steaming doorway.


For a long time Azrienoch could see nothing through the billowing steam. Then there was the ouline of the bagpipes, still droning out Scotland the Brave; then the antlered head of Kernos passing in the mists; then hints of pink flesh and the scent of very feminine perfume wafting in the hot and humid atmosphere. Splashes of water, giggles. And suddenly they were surrounded by nubile maidens in white shifts, pouring water on each other.

"Hello!" they began decending on the handsome young apprentice and running their hands through his hair, "Hello!"

"What the devil is going on," said Alferian. His glasses had fogged over and he couldn't see anything. He was in a corner brandishing his wand at a potted palm. "Get thee hence - er- Satan!"

"Hello, boys, " came a familiar voice, "What took you so long?"

As the steam cleared and Alferian wiped his glasses on a sleeve and squinted into the middle distance, a large hot tub emerged into view. In the tub, each with one foot sticking up over the egde, were two women, very pink and utterly naked, but obscured in a vast foam of bubble bath.

"Zounds!" said Alferian, "It's Beith and Chalcedoni." He spun Azrienoch around and averted his gaze. "You look, OakWyse. You're ordained. What heinous and disgusting acts of carnality have they been drawn into?"

"Looks like they are trying on shoes," said Oakwyse pointing at the piles of shoe boxes and the fawning eunuchs holding various pairs of sequinned high heels.

"And eating chocolate," added Chalcedoni from her bath. "Rubber Ducky?"

Alferian turned, aghast. Then, seeing the eunuch with the tray full of tall slim glasses: "Ahem. Don't mind if I do." The three wizards all took a glass and downed the cold Duckies in a gulp. Alferian mopped his forehead and returned the glass to the eunuch. "A Shirly Temple for my friend here," he said, pointing at his apprentice with his thumb.

There was a gurgling and splashing in the hot tub and Beith gave a little squeal of surprise. "Hey, you little bugger --"

A tiny touselled head popped out of the suds and blew a spout of water at Alferian's robes, happily putting out the flames that had smoldered back into life along the hem.

"Saints preserve us!" bellowed the wizard. "So that's where you've been!"

"Who?" said Azrienoch who was still facing away dutifully and sipping his Shirley Temple.

"It's Winky, my damned House Elf!"

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Post by Piastra » 04 Mar 2004, 17:26

“why do you boys all look so shocked?” asked chalci, in what she hoped was her very best mae west voice. “everyone knows that a woman has four absolute birthrights afforded her upon her first breath of life.

“she has the right to bathe, anywhere, anytime, and with whomever she desires, and she has the right to consume chocolate at the same time – especially chocolate mint ice cream(see poem below). this time of bathing is a time of ritual, invoking the goddess of bath, who insists on the nectar of the rubber ducky (orange juice and maraschino cherry liqueur).

“a woman must feel she is dying with the most shoes, when it comes time to cross over into the summerlands, or she will spend her time there in anquish and regret, for all the sales she might have missed. shoes are a woman’s truest inspiration, and without a plethora of such momentos of inspiration, all of her ideas and poetry will fall flat and useless, like a room full of left shoes only.”

and finally, a woman has the goddess given right to chat and gossip with best friends, and to share those times anywhere, in any manner – even a hot tub, in some level of somewhere, wherever the hell we are.”

having finished her admonishments, she stared at the crowd before her, and wondered at their confusion. Cleopatra, the silly wench, was standing there clueless, by the looks of her unshod feet, and the big antlered one was wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into here. the piper was trying desperately to keep the steam from his chanter, and rubbing his ordained eyes, while the wizard and the apprentice were averting theirs. beith gave a sudden squeal of delight.

“OOOOOOH! LOOK! chalci, have you seen this one with the little rhinestone strap? and the little stones encircling the heel? oh, I am sooooo in love!”

chalci just grinned, and spooned more chocolate mint ice from the gorgeous purple satin stiletto she was using as a bowl. “yes, my dear, and I saved it just for you – I knew you were meant for each other.” as beith caressed the object of her desire, and chalci continued to eat ice cream from royal slippers, the crowd wandered to a corner, to discuss what to do next, while the winky dinky elf scattered about annoyingly. it was then they heard the hum of a chanted poem encircling them in the air. so, that was what the enchantment of this place was. but what could they do to break the spell that held the girls here? they listened to the words…

(or the laws of bath)

a wee sprout it poked his head above
seeking sun and more to love
he vowed the next thing to absorb
when someone dropped a chocolate orb
he scooped it in, there beneath
his protective stalky leaf
what it was he could not tell
it seemed to have a candy shell
mmm! and mmm! and mmm! again
I think I’ll call this m&m
all night long he held it there
waiting for the morning air
but dewdrops showered both that day
and the candy shell melted away
he could not believe his troubled eyes
for there before him lay a surprise
a goddess so lovely he shook with tears
encased she was, all those years
she smiled, and he knew true love that day
but destiny bore them a role to play
the sun sent down powerful heat
and melted his love at his feet
weeping with grief, he bent low to the puddle
and wrapped himself ‘round her in one last cuddle
bathed in her from stalk to stem
he would never forget his m&m
suddenly a pain and he was cut from the ground
and tossed with his brothers for a trip to town
no one took notice of his loves allure
and tossed him in, assuming him pure
round he spun with sugar and cream
thinking he’d caught himself in a dream
then soon he was boxed, it was cold in here
for his love he’d be brave and show no fear
there he stayed and some time had passed
before there was light, and he blinked at last
he knew right off that here was troubles
for there before lay a pool full of bubbles
and a woman was there, her hair up in pins
happily staring, with big goofy grins
and nekked she was, bare to the hilt
eating away, with no shred of guilt
mmm! she said. and mmm! once again
was it possible she knew his love, m&m?
delightfully she babbled, sloshing her dip
“one must bathe, eating mint chocolate chip
tubs full of bubbles and a bath full of scent
how clean can you get without chocolate mint?”
she spoke to him then, so he would know
that his precious love would never go
“I am the goddess of bath,” swore she out loud
“and I vow this day, before ardent crowd
that I have wed these two, this valiant mint,
and the goddess chocolate, whom the gods have sent
that no other consort shall she take
that’ll rule over the love they shall make
as they draw followers to their cause
forsaking all other choclolate laws”
so in the kingdom the laws were changed
as all bathing rituals were newly arranged
the folks all felt themselves so lucky
chocomint ice cream with their rubber ducky…


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Post by Alferian » 04 Mar 2004, 20:05

Oakwyse let the air out of his bag with a plaintive WHHAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa...
"Well, I'll be the very model of a modern major general," he said.

"Come back here, you coward!" shoulted Alferian, addressing himself and his threatening wand to a marble statue of ithiphallic Pan. "Put that wand away or I won't be held responsible for the spell I may have to cast!!!" His glasses were fogged over again. Azrienoch gently turned him around.

"Wha? Wha? I say, is that you Winky?"

Kernos groaned, rubbing his antlers against a nearby pillar. "I think we've passed into the circle of confusion." He glanced at his wristwatch. "Listen lads, I need to get back to my bridge game."

"I thought you were playing dice," said Azrienoch with a quizzical look.

"It's complicated," said the towering forest mage.

"Get thee hence Satin and Sequins!" shouted Alferian, and there was a bright flash from his Linden wand. The air was suddenly aswarm with shoe boxes and stray stillettos, whirling in a vortex and shrinking smaller, smaller, smaller, till they were sucked into Alferian's pointy hat, which he clamped on his head.

Shrill banshee cries of outrage rose from the bath and an almost empty carton of chocolate mint ice cream flew past Oakwyse's head. He ducked narrowly and began throwing ogham staves back. In a moment there was a full-fledged food fight.

"We are trying to return you back to your old selves!" pleaded OakWyse as glassware smashed to either side of him, taking off Pan's ithyphallic bits. Suddenly, one of the maidens grabbed an amphora of water and slushed it all over the wizards.

"Oh, great!" said Kernos. "Thanks."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!" commented Azrienoch, "I'm mmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeelllllllllltttttttttiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!!!!!"

Before their eyes the apprentice dissolved away, cringing in pain and horror until there was nothing left but his pointy had and a puddle with a few cigarette butts floating on it.

"Uggghh!" said Oakwyse unpoetically.

"Fewments and micturation!" said Kernos and the others realized they were melting away too.

A maniacal laugh rang out in the marbled hall. Alferian was laughing as he melted into the floor and as his face was disappearing said, "Aha! Beith, my dear. Come and get your shoes! Ahhaaaahaa haaa!"

Then with a sucking pop they were all gone. There was a loud bang as Winky gave a disgusted look and vanished with a snap of his fingers.


In the Druid's Head, Merlyn started and nearly fell off his stool as Alferian, Oakwyse, Kernos, and Azrienoch suddenly appeared on the four empty stools next to him. They seemed to melt upwards out of the barstools. He looked into his drink and pushed it aside.

Oakwyse squeezed his sodden bagpipes and a stream of water issued forth. Azrienoch lit up and Alferian suddenly keeled over on the floor as his hat erupted into an avalanch of ladies shoes that quickly buried him.

"Bang!" Winky appeared out of thin air and at the same moment a barn owl swooped down from the rafters and landed on the pile of shoe boxes.


"Gragrbblemmmnpop" came a muffled voice from under the pile.

"Whazzat?" said Gladys looking at Winky.

"Macallan," translated the Elf, "cask strength. If you please," he added with a polite bow to the ogress.

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Post by Azrienoch » 04 Mar 2004, 21:04

Alferian climbed out of his new collection of shoes, panting heavily as if he'd just come up from the water.
Oakwyse turned around and put his head down on the bar, "Back to where we started." They all ordered their respective drinks, Oakwyse and his scotch, Alferian and his wine, and Azrienoch with his shirley temple.
They drank and drank until the sun came up, flushing away their sorrows.
Alferian spoke up after 10 hours of silence, "How will we ever rescue Beith from Hell?"
"We could always turn into our animal spirit guides," Azrienoch said with a hiccup, "Hey! Are you two BOTH pink elephants?"
Oakwyse had been pondering all night, and kept his silence.
Suddenly, a voice came from out of nowhere and whispered, "If you build it, He will come."
"Who? Jesus?" Oakwyse asked, looking around.
"Gandolf?" Alferian asked.
"Shoeless Joe Jackson?" Azrienoch asked.
"Think bigger," came the voice, "Think Philip."
"Philip!" they shouted, as hope came flooding back into the hearts of the wizards. Alferian stopped dancing around suddenly, "But, uh...voice? What exactly do we need to build?"
The voice was silent for a moment, then belted out, "The Glastonbury College of Druidry!"
The two great wizards turned and looked at each other in amazement.
"The Glastonbury College of Druidry. It would be a revolution for this era."
"Bah! Glastonbury! Geez, that name is SO overused," Azrienoch muttered under his breath...


Post by Guest » 04 Mar 2004, 21:52


The bar patrons turned in unison to the door, where there stood a funny looking little man with a bald head and a large, bulbous nose. At first they thought it was Gorn, but the man had too many eyes.

"Be vewy, vewy qwiet," he said, as he tiptoed into the bar. The shotgun was ominous.

All eyes followed the little man as he tiptoed around the bar and approached the small refrigerator Gladys kept behind the bar for eyes of newts and other garnishes.

The stranger laughed: "Heheheheheheheheh!" and looked quickly from side to side. Somewhere, in the night, a dog barked.

Qwickwy, the stranger threw open the door of the refrigerator, and the 14 watt bulb threw its light out into the bleary eyes of the wizards. They rubbed them in disbelief as they peered, with the stranger, into the refrigerator.

There, on the second shelf, next to the pickled salamanders, was a wittle gwey wabbit.

The wabbit muched on a cawwot, and peered back at the stranger with the shotgun. "Ehhh, what up, Doc?" he said.

Alferian and OakWyse looked at each other. "Doc,?" whispered Alferian, "He doesn't look like a Ph.D. to me!"

OakWyse whispered back, "Chiropractor, I think."

The bald chiwopwactor with the shotgun thrust it in the wabbit's face and demanded, "Just wot are you doing here?" He asked.

"Ummm," repwied the wabbit, looking awound the intewior of the refwigewator, "this is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

(pregnant pause, in one of the circles of hell two women in a hot tub cringe)

"yeessss . . . " ventured the bald man, carefully.

"Well, I'm just westing!!!!"

(Drum roll, rimshot, clash of symbols. Comic relief scene fades to black)

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Post by Beith » 04 Mar 2004, 22:26

...."What was that?" said Beith, straining to hear.

"What was what?" asked Chalcedoni, retrieving the purple stiletto and licking choc-mint ice-cream from its heel.

"sshhh! listen" beith urged.

Far off in the distance, ever so faintly, came the crash of cymbals, a drum roll, a comic trumpet fanfare, and a sound like someone chomping on a carrot.

"This may be hell but it's getting far too strange" said Beith "Nimue! Bring out the ouija board - we've got to find out what's going on up there!"

"You don't believe in THAT do you?" laughed Chalcedoni
"Do you see any telephones in this place?" asked Beith.
"erm... No."
"Right - so sit down ladies and put your finger here"

Beith, Nimue, Helen of Troy, Cleopatra and Chalcedoni formed a pentangle around the ouija board and placed a manicured talon each on the glass.

"Nice job!" said Nimue, noting Cleo's french manicure and diamante nail stud.

"Concentrate!" ordered Beith "I am going to attempt to contact someone to find out what's happening."
"Ask the question then Beith" said Nimue, eager to find out what was going on Above.

Beith frowned in concentration and asked in her best spooky tones
"Is there anybody there?"

"Why are you doing the voice?" interrupted Helen
"I always 'do the voice'" snapped Beith "it's more - atmospheric"
"gives me the chills anyway" said Chalcedoni
"No- that's because you're naked and Nimue left the door open. Someone get her a towl". A eunuch slipped out to oblige.

"CONCENTRATE!" ordered Beith.

They closed their eyes.

"Is there anybody there?" asked Beith again

Nimue squealed as the glass began to move beneath their fingertips.
"you're pushing" said Chalcedoni.
"am not!" replied Helen of Troy indignantly.
"I think I broke a nail" whined Cleopatra.
"Will you all just concentrate!" ordered Beith in exasperation

The glass slid over the series of letters spelling out "YES"

Beith punched the air in triumph. "That's it! we're dialled-in!"
"you mean 'connected'" corrected Chalcedoni "Dial in is for modems"
Beith shot her a look that would sour milk. In the adjoining chamber, Cleopatra's bath curdled.

Beith focused on the board and intoned "What's going on up there?" , her eyes closed in concentration


Then slowly the glass began to move across the board, gathering speed until it dashed between the letters in a frenzy.

"Spell it out! Spell it out!" shouted Beith in excitement. Helen recorded the words as they came.

"What does it say?" asked Beith eagerly

"I don't really understand" replied Helen and laid out the letters in sequence.

They stared.

"Maybe we got a crossed line?" offered Nimue in explanation.
"maybe it's in code?" suggested Chalcedoni

"Read it back again Helen" said Beith "Just to be sure we got it right"


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Post by Alferian » 05 Mar 2004, 03:51

Alferian, looked blearily at the bald big-nosed fellow with the shotgun, then turned to say something to Azrienoch, but did a double-take and slipped off his bar stood.

"Ahrggg!" he said, leaping up and removing a stilletto heel from his posterior. He squinted hard at his apprentice, then at Elmer Fudd, then back again.

"By Jove," said the wizard, thrusting out a hand and shaking Azrienoch's. "It's Yul Brenner. I am such a big fan! Here, here, will you sign my grimoire, Yul? Just a minute, where's my quill?"

There was a loud slam and all turned towards the door to the Ladies Room. A vast cloaked figured loomed there and in an ominous voice said, "Alright Professor Mumblemore -- Give back those shoes!!" The figure stepped into the firelight and the four mages at the bar winced and shaded their eyes, dazzled by the brilliant tie-dyed robes....

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Post by Cougar » 05 Mar 2004, 04:23

The eyes visible from under the robe...were a fiery yellow...piercing.
The pub fell silent.
The robe was cast to the floor...and there stood Cougar.
In all of his glory...rays of light shot from his posterior....
He slung his Stratocaster forth...and began to play...
'You can do what you want,but lay off o' my blue suede shoes'!!!!

:o :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

(This thread is great,but way out of reach,of MY writing ability...I will go back to enjoying it now..couldn't help meself).. :D
P.S.I hope I didn't overstep boundries...or do something unwelcome...if I have...well..tell me.tks


Post by Guest » 05 Mar 2004, 05:08

(Disclaimer: The fictional OakWyse, normally as pure as the driven snow, is about, all unwittingly, to find himself in the midst of events he would never (ever!) in real life seek out. All is done in the honest attempt to free Chalcedoni and Beith from the horrors of hot tubs, chocolate mint ice cream, and spangled shoes. Little does he know what Cleopatra has in store. All in all it will be a trying experience, and one that he recommends you do not try at home!)

As the dust was settling around the bar, and Merlyn was busy pouring the sands of time over Karen, OakWyse slung his pipes over his shoulder, checked his dirk, and slipped quietly out the door.

A few hundred yards outside The Duck, he found the Mushroom Circle much as he had left it, with the exception of several faeries who had come out for a qwick dance in the moonlight and a bit of mead. After mutual bows and courtsies, Oak agreed to play a round of "Rowan Tree", their national anthem, and they left with joyful goodbyes all around.

Oak carefully wrapped his pipes and stowed them in the hollow of the Old Oak nearby, and then checking his dirk once again, stepped into the Mushroom Circle. Raising his dirk above his head, he turned three time widdershins and dropped straight down into the earth in the center of the circle.


In the hot tub in th lusty circle of hell, Beith, Nimue, Chalci, Cleopatra, and the others continued their soak, empty boxes of stiletto healed shoes and chocolate mint ice cream strewn all around.

"Hey, that was sharp!" yelled Beith and she glared at Chalci sitting beside her. "I thought you took off those heels!"

"Don't look at me," Chalci replied, sighing, taking another sip of champagne, and laying her head back on the rim of the tub.

"How can anyone not look at you?" Beith retorted, "displaying your wares like that?"

Chalci giggled, took another deep breath and threw her shoulders back, rising grandly above the bubbles. Cleopatra pouted. "Women certainly have grown more impressive since my day," she mused.

"Ouch! There it is again!" screeched Beith, and this time shot a glance at Nimue, which missed, as Nimue bent over to check the water temperature.

Suddenly there arose from the center of the hot tub the gleaming 17 inch blade of a Scottish dirk. It was followed by a beautiful blackwood handle, grasped in a masculine fist, followed by a forearm and biceps that drew the attention of all in the tub. Finally, with a rush of water and bubbles, and several overturned champagne glasses, OakWyse stood straight and tall in the middle of the hot tub, water, champagne, and the remnants of the chocolate mint ice cream dripping from his head and shoulders.

"Okay, Ladies," he said, "this bath is over. Everyone out of the pool . . . "
Last edited by Guest on 11 Mar 2004, 13:45, edited 2 times in total.

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Post by Azrienoch » 05 Mar 2004, 05:15

(Alferian-I guess that's what I get for peeing on you)

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Post by Piastra » 05 Mar 2004, 17:32

“HARUMPH!” snorted chalcedoni, as she glared at the piper in the tub. “and for the gods sake, put that thing away! why is it men always have to be sticking or blowing something?” she taunted meanly. she was not yet ready to end her bath of decadent luxury, and here was a giant oak, trying to pull the plug on her tub of delight. and he was ruining the bubbles. and thinking of bubbles, she grabbed the last bottle of champagne (the rubber duckies had run out long ago) and poured it into the glass balanced on her ample bosom. the piper’s arm dropped, as he watched in awe how the glass never moved as she poured the bubbly. he marveled at her control, lost for a minute in the perfect balance of it all.

“um, excuse me,” said beith, “but aren’t you just a tad underdressed for this tub, sir?” the piper looked down at his clothing in confusion. he was the ONLY one dressed at all. nimue and Cleopatra were grinning, and chalci and beith were giving some sort of eye cues to each other. suddenly, in a flourish of bubbles, ice cream and nekked body parts, he was pounced upon by destiny, and found himself bare-chested (he dared not look below the water – he just didn’t want to know), with his feet propped up on the side with a lovely little black number, bearing a full five inch heel, with a sequined toe. he stared in delight at how beautiful it made him feel.

“here ya go, love,” crooned chalci, as she spoon fed him the chocomint ice cream from the toe of a satin clog. “there now, don’t you feel so much more in touch with your feminine side? hm?” as she slowly removed the dirk from his hand, and replaced it with the glass of champagne she had just poured.

“we can not get out of the tub, anyway, my dearest friend,” continued chalcedoni. some cougar kitty came through here and stole my tie-dyed robe. everyone knows the robe is mine. he must have been a new guy. too bad he didn’t stay and join us for ice cream and champagne. we have a wonderful pair of blue suede boots he would have loved.”

all the women giggled as they watched the mighty oak piper marvel at his newly shod dimensions. chalcedoni whispered to them, “if a man’s dirk is a supposed extension of his manhood, what then would we call a man’s new high heels?” the piper just dribbled ice cream happily, and sucked down champagne, and forgot the reason he had come here in the first place. surely, this was not hell…

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Post by Beith » 05 Mar 2004, 19:30

They’ve been gone an awfully long time“ said Tinne, looking at his watch and pondering the absence of Nimue, Beith, Chalcedoni and Oakwyse.
“What time is it now?” asked Merlyn
Tinne looked at his watch again and frowned. “I’m sure this used to be a fake Rolex” he muttered, puzzled; “Well…Mickey’s hand is on 6 and Pluto’s tail is on 9 which means…’s time for another drink!”

They ordered a round of Noblins Gobs and settled into their barstools. Tinne glanced around.

Elmer Fudd was signing Alferian’s wand and performing a number from “The King and I”, Alferian playing the part of Anna, beautifully. Cougar was playing air guitar in the corner while two small hobbits watched him in fascination. Bugs Bunny was wearing Chalcedoni’s robe, and doing his best impression of Jessica Rabbit. A small brown mouse emerged from a hole in the wall and was immediately chased by a black and white cat wielding a hammer.

“Is that Itchy and Scratchy or Tom and Jerry?” asked Merlyn
“Tom ‘n’ Jerry I think” said Tinne “This is getting very surreal”.
“There are cartoon characters all over the place” observed Merlyn, pulling a small chipmunk out of his drink. It chittered in annoyance and angrily waved a paw at him.

Azrienoch tried to order a beer but was run over on the way to the bar by a large blue bird with a strange “meep meep” cry. Not far away a coyote was setting up an ACME bird trap.

“Wh….what’s going on?” said Azrienoch, standing shakily on his feet and clutching the bar for security. “I never noticed that before”

In a cage over the bar a small yellow canary-like bird fluttered it’s eyelids and watched the cat and mouse chase.

“Does it sing?” asked Tinne
“just says: I Tawt I taw a puddy tat” replied Merlyn.
“I did! I diiiiiiiid!” cheeped the bird from above, “a mean nasty ole’ puddy tat”

“So let me summarize” said Karen, popping up unexpectedly from behind the bar.
“Oakwyse is in hell, with Beith and the denizens of level 2.
There are cartoon characters invading this dimension
And a strange ring of mushrooms has sprung up outside the bar.”

“mushrooms eh?” replied Tinne “I think we’ve just found the reason for the cartoons. They’re hallucinations- ooouch!”
He picked himself up again, dusting off the tracks of a road runner bird from his shirt. The faint sounds of “meep meep” echoed in his head. “But that didn’t feel much like an hallucination”

“maybe we should go outside and check the mushrooms?” suggested Merlyn

They left the bar and wandered towards the old Oak tree.
A ring of mushrooms glowed strangely in the moonlight.
Tinne swatted a few small fairies out the way and they buzzed angrily round his head. “ouch!” he winced in pain and rubbed his arm “Nasty little things. They bite harder than a mosquito.”

“Look!” said Karen and pointed to the centre of the circle

A small patch of tartan plaid lay on the ground
“Oakwyse had passed this way” said Merlyn, displaying his skills as a tracker.
“Och I wouldnae be so sure o’ that!” said a voice from the darkness. A sylvan shape stepped out of the shadows.
“Nimue!” exclaimed Merlyn “What are you doing here? And err…you appear to have ice-cream in your hair”. He wiped the dregs of choco-mint cream from her forehead.
“I had a wee party with the girls down below” said Nimue “an’ ripped ma’ kilt on chalcedoni’s stilettos”

“We’re looking for Oak” said Tinne “we think he went this way”
“oh he’s down there alright” replied Nimue “He's in good company - we have several of the clergy in hell”.

“What?!” exclaimed Karen “What on earth is Oakwyse doing in hell?!”

“Trying on the Manolo Blahnik collection” replied Nimue “and very fetching he looks too. He’s taken to 3 inch heels like a duck to water”

“We’ve got to rescue him!” said Merlyn “That’s a terrible way to tempt a priest”

“Right!” said Tinne “I would’ve gone for Gucci myself”.

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Post by Alferian » 05 Mar 2004, 20:01

Meanwhile, backin the pub...

"Alright, look," Alferian was saying, his words rather slurred. "What if we make a giant badger and then roll it into Hell and..."

Kernos clubbed him over the head with a computer keyboard he just happened to be holding and the wizard slipped once again off his stool. Azrienoch and Winky both looked down and blinked at him blearily.

There was a sudden rustling of papers that grew in intensity. All at once, reams of goldenrod forms and letterhead stationery exploded out of the fireplace with a whoosh and a tall, handsome figure stepped out. He dusted the floo powder off his beard and twitched the elegant hem of his robe. It was covered with glittering alchemical sigils and tiny silver bells. A three-foot tall golden cap covered with moons perched on his long flowing locks at a jaunty angle.

Azrienoch leaped to his feet and nudged Alferian a bit harder than was absolutely necessary with the toe of the red satin pumps he was wearing.

"Provost!" he said, his voice cracking slightly.

It was Breoghan.

"What in blazes has been going on here?" he rumbled, his magisterial glance taking in the shoes, boxes, and the snoring figure of the Avalon College Chancellor. One eyebrow arched superciliously. "Mister Azrienoch, would you be good enough to pick up the Chancellor." It wasn't a question.

The apprentice helped up the old man into his usual seat in the inglehook but he was still sound asleep.

Breoghan's eyes surveyed the room, sending a knot of Avalon College Ovates scurrying off with their books and beakers. "This place is going to Hell," he noted.

"You don't know the half of it," muttered Kernos.

Somewhere outside a cock crowed and the sun blinked sleepily over the horizon. The Provost caught sight of Chalcedoni's tie-dyed robes, discarded by Cougar who had retired to a corner with some milk and cookies after his startling entrance. Breoghan's face blanched and he glanced around nervously.

"Is -- is Prof. MacCraggart here somewhere?"

"Aye, well if she is," said Kernos, "She's naked."

"That's what worries me."

"Nay. She's gone to Hell."

Breoghan's eyebrow arched archly again, "Really? Well, I've been telling her to for long enough."

Kernos ordered two bloody marys and filled in the Provost in short order. Kernos looked him up and down, antlers tilting. Compared to the rest of them, Breoghan was immaculately clean.

"Well, you remember your Dante, I suppose?" he said, chewing thoughtfully on his celery stalk. "To get through the Inferno properly, we will need Virgil."

"Oh, yes, brilliant," said Kernos in a voice less than entirely sincere. "And how do we come up with a long dead Latin poet? I mean he's probably down in the Sixth Circle with the rest of those dead Pagans."

"Aha! Yes," said the Provost, adjusting his pince-nez, "But I have a cunning plan. We shall evoke him."

"I'm listening."

"All we need for the spell is a copy of the Aeneid in Latin."

Kernos looked at him skeptically. "That's it? Do you have one, because the Library doesn't open till ten."

"As a matter of fact," said the Provost producing a blue morroco bound volume from the folds of his robe, "I always carry a copy with me."

He laid the volume on the bar, took out a long ebony wand with an obsidian reservoir and tapping the book lighly said, "Fibulam fabulam inconabulum. Ipse tipse ap ovo est. Omnium intra factotum!!"

There was a slight flash, a pop like a single kernel of popcorn, the smell of garlic, and an old man in a toga sat beside them on the bar stool. He had laurel leaves in his hair and blinked at them myopically.

"Well, I suppose he only speaks Latin, so you are going to have to talk to him," said Kernos.

"Salve!" said the poet.

Breoghan put an arm around his shoulders, towering over the little Roman. "I have a small job for you..."

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Post by Niht-Wyrd » 05 Mar 2004, 20:14

"Woss' dat?" asked Elmer.

"It’s whiskey," said Craig, pinching a ciggy off Barry the hobbit.

"Not as wisky as a bank wobbewy!" retorted Elmer.

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Post by LadyMoonChaser » 05 Mar 2004, 20:47

The small man looked up at Breoghan, with a smirk on his face and yelled out clear & strong, "TOGA" and immediately grabbed a tray of food and slung it across the room, nearly decapitating poor Cougar, making him spill milk all over his instrument!

"Hey guys, ya know I can do the Samurai for ya too if you want!"

Azrienoch, jumped up & threw himself at John Belushi's feet, "Oh please do the 'hamborgor, hamborgor, no cheese skit'", trying to do his best Greek imitation, "it's one of my favorites!"

Meanwhile, As Cleo was busy licking some chocolate mint off of the new fella's ear, while also looking jealously at Beith's new emerald & diamond studded toe rings and Chalci's balancing act, a thought suddenly lit in her head, "Ya know, I'm starting to turn into a prune and after all this Champagne, I'm up for some writhing & bumping, you two can show off your new shoes! Hey girls! Why don't I give Marc a ringy dingy and see if he can bring a few of his buddies up from level 9 and we can make a party of it!"
(with that purring voice she so loved to use when she really really wanted something).
"Beith, I thought I heard you mention something about Jack he here too? Maybe he can mix up something special for us,... now where do you suppose they put the ice machine in this place"

At this, both Beith & Chalci jumped up out of the bubbles & started doing a little jig. Which poor OakWyse tried mightily to ignore, as he thought to himself.."oh where's Alferian, Kernos and Azrienoch, they're missing a great show!!"

"That sounds great!!!!" squealed Beith ....."but some of my shoes are fact it looks like I only have the left shoe for each pair!! Oh great, do you know how hard it is to find pretty shoes in cloven foot style!!" "Oh my Goddess! mine too!!" shrieked Chalci. Cleo didn't care much since she was really only into her Saphire studded sandals, but felt sorry for the other girls.

Hearing this, OakWyse started getting a tad bit nervous thinking about the mess Alferian had made in the pub with the shoes, he was squeezing his eyes shut hoping the girl's wouldn't turn their wrath on him....but when he dared a peek, there stood above him, hands clenched into fists on bubbly hips, fire shooting from their eyes, forked tongues anxiously darting in & out licking the last of the ice cream from their lips, and he could have sworn they had grown to about 10 feet tall!
"Holy Moses!" was the first thing that he blurted out.

The girls glared at him as if he were a dunce, and in ear cringing unison they both spat out, "Wrong story, Oaky,....And, where the demon did our shoes go?" "We can't do bumps and grinds barefoot!!" (Meanwhile, Cleo was busy on her cell phone trying to get through to Marc.."damn! I can never get a clear signal down here!...Can you HEAR ME NOW?")

Meanwhile, back at the Foggy Duck, Alferian and Azrienoch (who had run home briefly to shave his head on advice from one of the Gay guys from 'Queer Eye', they really thought he'd make quite a splash at his next King Tut party!), were still gaping in awe at the great John Belushi, but still Breogham was not amused. "What the hell is going on here, Gladys can you shed some light on this?" he demanded, obviously not familiar with Gladys' mild manner.

Gladys was right in the middle of picking ticks off of Rancid, which she was planning on adding to the snack menu, lightly battered, blood swollen ticks in slug slime & deep fried, "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A DAMN CLAIRVOYANT?" she roared in her booming voice. "AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS OF SHOES YOU LEFT ALL OVER?"

At that, they began to hear a great swooshing sound like a bathtub overflowing, & started feeling a little nervous without OakWyse being there.........

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Post by Breoghan » 05 Mar 2004, 22:17


I see you have been amusing yourselves at my expense. And I suppose you imagine that I shall step in here and indulge your tomfoolery ad captandum vulgus. Age. Fac ut gaudeam. Gladiator in arena consilium capit. Hoc natura est insitum, ut quem timueris, hunc semper oderis.

[Walks over the bar and picks up a glass]

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?

[Turns to Virgil]

Omne ignotum pro magnifico est.

[Virgil responds]: "Omne tvlit pvnctvm qvi miscvit vtile dvlci."

[Breoghan responds]: Omnes aequo animo parent ubi digni imperant. Scientia non habet inimicum nisp ignorantem. Sua cuique voluptas. Acta est fabula, plaudite!

[Virgil disappears in a puff of smoke]

Abiit, excessit, evasit, erupit.

There. Now we shall have some words about this spurious conjuring.


Post by Guest » 05 Mar 2004, 23:14

There has been already a marvelous description of things that were flashing before OakWyse's eyes. But now, for the edification of our readers, let's take a peek at what is flashing through his mind . . . . .

"Hmmmmmm,,,,, Damn lucky I am that everyone seems to be confusing the role of Anglican Druid Priest with Protestant Fundamentalist Minister!"

Beith, Chalci and Cleo continued their dance around the tub, and the water began swirling rapidly in a deosil direction. (Let the reader take note.)

The only thing troubling OakWyse at the moment was that he now had nowhere to stash his new dirk, because his belt and sheath had been removed with the rest of his wizardly attire. Well, there were the three-inch heels, but though they would have accommodated a small, pearl handled sgian dubh, they could not possibly hold a 17" dirk. Oak placed the blade between his teeth while he examined the matter further.

The first thing he noticed was the absence of Nimue, who had been in the center of the tub when the dancing started, at the center of the vortx being caused by the deosil dance.

"Aaaarrrggghhh!" he thought (the blade between his teeth triggering a pirate response in the speech area of his brain) It must have something to do with the vortx in the tub. Meanwhile, the Ladies had joined hands around him, and begun dancing faster and faster in a sunwise direction. OakWyse knew he had precious little time. Not just because of the magical effects of the vortex, but because as it grew in strength its depth increased, dropping the water level around him. In a few moments it had gone from his armpits to just under his navel. He hurridly kicked off the 3" heels to give himself more time.

"Bubbles, bubbles, forget all our troubles!" squealed the dancing Women amid fits of chapagne and mint ice cream-induced giggles, "A few more inches and he's all ours!" screeched Beith.

OakWyse's mind reeled as the dancers wheeled around him -- only moments left before who knew what might happen? "Damn," he thought, looking at Chalci as she sped by his eyes, "How does she hold that glass like that without using her hands?

The vortex dropped another inch, and then he began to feel the suction under the arches of his feet. Faintly, as if far away, he heard Gladys shouting "Who the hell brought all these shoe boxes in here?" In a moment it would be too late!

"They're all holding hands," Oak thought, "If I can just grab one of them before the Hell-to-Duck Vortex pulls me through . . . "

He closed his eyes and leaped forward, closing his arms around the first dancing body with which he made contact. The mint ice cream had made all surfaces pretty slippery, and the sudden jolt to the right with the dancers almost caused him to lose his grip, but he held on tight. He still felt the suction on his toes -- good! The connection was still there!

Slowly Oak open his eyes and stared directly into the most artful application of eyeliner and shadow he had ever seen, with slight traces of diamond dust on the upper lids.

"OakWyse!" Beith cooed, "I didn't know you cared!"

Suddenly, everything went blank.


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