My heart is shattered...

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Willowhawk
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My heart is shattered...

Postby Willowhawk » 16 Apr 2014, 17:51

For me the sun has gone dark, the moon no longer shines, the stars have dimmed. My beloved husband, my heart, my soul, has gone on without me. He passed away suddenly last Thursday evening, leaving me, our three children, his parents, his brother and sister-in-law, his little nephew, and more family and friends than ever knew he had. I don't know how to walk this road, only that I don't want to. I'm so cold and lost... I don't know what to do now.

Peace be the journey, my James. I miss you so much.
Peace over anger. Honour over hate. Strength over fear.

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Bracken
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Bracken » 16 Apr 2014, 18:30

Willow, my dear sister, I am devastated for you.
Please know that I am thinking of you day and night.
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Fire oak
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Fire oak » 16 Apr 2014, 18:32

So sorry to hear of your loss Willow.

No words will really help you I'm sure but am holding you and your family in my thoughts.
Fire Oak

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Whitemane
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Whitemane » 16 Apr 2014, 19:13

You are not alone. We will walk this path together.

My soul aches for you.

Grieve fully, but let it make you stronger for those who still need you.
May the long time sun shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you,
Guide your way on.

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Aphritha
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Aphritha » 16 Apr 2014, 22:05

I know its not enough, but I'm so sorry.


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Brân Gannaid
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Brân Gannaid » 17 Apr 2014, 02:50

Dear Willow, I'm holding you and your family in my thoughts.

Jane
Soaring high on a wind current, I gaze down at the rugged shapes of the mountains and the shimmering water of the lakes, and thank the Goddess that I am Crow.
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Reuils
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Reuils » 17 Apr 2014, 09:10

Dear Willow ,I am so sad ,for you and your family

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Willowhawk
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Willowhawk » 17 Apr 2014, 12:26

Thank you all for the blessings of your presence. I appreciate it, I truly do. I know it's early days-- that's what people keep telling me-- and maybe, if I can just keep breathing, this terrible agony will abate. But I can't see that far-- all I have is the pain. I'm tired of platitudes. I know I have to keep going, I know I have a duty to care for our children and try to be strong for everyone else. Well, I'm not strong. I don't know how to be strong without him. I don't know where he's gone and I don't know why he went on without me, when he promised me he would never leave me. I'm scared and broken and aching, and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, until I can wake up in my Jim's arms.

Forgive me. I'm not going to do anything; I'm not planning to top myself. I'm told this will pass, that this is the nature of profound grief. I thought I had known pain before, but it was nothing-- nothing!!-- compared to this.

bendeithion,

Willow, weeping
Peace over anger. Honour over hate. Strength over fear.

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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby ShadowCat » 18 Apr 2014, 07:30

I'm crying for you....
Three sounds one should treasure:
the whisper of the wind through the leaves
the songs of one's heart
the callings of the universe

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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Snægl » 18 Apr 2014, 15:50

"In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing." - Robert Green Ingersoll

Take care, and be gentle with yourself.
Forþan bið andgit æghwær selest ferðes foreþanc. :zen:
Therefore, in every respect understanding is best, and deliberation of spirit.
-- Beowulf 1059–1060
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Sciethe
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Sciethe » 20 Apr 2014, 17:21

Willowhawk,
I haven't posted before because I don't know what to say, and still don't. I think there are a lot of people out there quietly thinking of you. I hope our silent but warm sympathy gives some comfort.
Blessings,
Sciethe
For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and the sun loves him. For he is of the tribe of Tiger. Christopher Smart

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Willowhawk
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Willowhawk » 28 Apr 2014, 13:14

I'm so lost... I feel like I'm muffled in dark clouds and I'll never find the sun again. I keep asking "WHY???" even though I know there's no answer. I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to go on when he doesn't. My entire universe stopped when he did. Why can't I just lie down and be finished too?
Peace over anger. Honour over hate. Strength over fear.

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Whitemane
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Whitemane » 28 Apr 2014, 19:10

Why can't I just lie down and be finished too?
You tell us that he is the father of your children. Do they not have the right to carry his legacy on?

If you give up on yourself, you give up on them, and what have they done to deserve that?
May the long time sun shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you,
Guide your way on.

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Willowhawk
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Willowhawk » 30 Apr 2014, 22:50

You tell us that he is the father of your children. Do they not have the right to carry his legacy on?

If you give up on yourself, you give up on them, and what have they done to deserve that?

I know, rationally, that what you say is right. I have no end of people telling me to be strong for my children. That's so much easier to say than do.

Today, I was out driving on a busy interstate. Just driving around, no destination in mind. For a split second, I seriously considered driving my vehicle into the path of an eighteen-wheeler. The notion of dying-- even painfully-- didn't scare me. But I didn't do it, for two reasons: one, because I couldn't bring myself to hurt someone else (the truck driver), and two, because I didn't want my children's precarious situation worsened. My Jim was their father in every way that counts, but he wasn't their biological one-- he vanished several years ago, we don't know where (or if, to be honest) he lives, and we have no way to find out. Legally, we had joint custody of the children, though he never honored a single point of the divorce agreement. If something were to happen to me, I don't know know what would happen to my kids. They might become wards of the state, though hopefully they would go to my mother... She's 70, and even though she still works full time, I don't know how long she could keep up with the demands of three active children (8, 11, and 14).

So... I'm stuck here. No worries, I'll take care of my children as long as I can still draw breath. It doesn't change the fact that I (selfishly, horribly) pray for death daily. Constantly.
Peace over anger. Honour over hate. Strength over fear.

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Brân Gannaid
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Brân Gannaid » 01 May 2014, 05:56

Willow,

Your thoughts and concerns are understandable. It sounds like, even with painful emotions and thoughts, you are making sound rational decisions and thinking of others.

Give yourself time, and know that how you are feeling is a normal part of bereavement. What wonderful love you must have experienced to know such deep grief.

You and your children are in my thoughts.

In the light,
Jane
Soaring high on a wind current, I gaze down at the rugged shapes of the mountains and the shimmering water of the lakes, and thank the Goddess that I am Crow.
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Willowhawk
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Willowhawk » 01 May 2014, 12:24

What wonderful love you must have experienced to know such deep grief.

Deeper than the oceans... wider than all of space and time... How do I live without him??
Peace over anger. Honour over hate. Strength over fear.

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Brân Gannaid
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Brân Gannaid » 01 May 2014, 22:10

Holding you close. {{{{{{{{{ Willow }}}}}}}}
Soaring high on a wind current, I gaze down at the rugged shapes of the mountains and the shimmering water of the lakes, and thank the Goddess that I am Crow.
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Willowhawk
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Willowhawk » 24 Dec 2014, 03:12

It's been eight and a half months... it seems so much longer. A whole lifetime ago. It almost feels as though my life with him was a dream, and I woke into a grim and cheerless reality. Some days are better than others... I was doing quite a lot better, actually. I felt as though I was healing, that I had journeyed through the underworld and was finally emerging into the light. But then I had a setback that threw me back into darkness, and I don't know what to do now. I know that grief is a spiral-- that we go round and round and keep coming back to the same place. I know it's a process, and I'll find some way to feel happiness again. But just now... I feel lost. :gloomy:

How do I keep going? For a long time, I didn't want to. I just wanted my battered heart to stop beating altogether. Now I've found that I am indeed capable of feeling joy, fleeting as it is-- I have to keep on, so that I can find it again. But how? How do I keep dragging myself through this hell, just on the off chance that I'll be granted a taste of heaven?

Probably that's a terrible way to look at it. Tomorrow will be better; it has to be. Doesn't it?
Peace over anger. Honour over hate. Strength over fear.

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Whitemane
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby Whitemane » 24 Dec 2014, 12:49

Tomorrow will be better than today, even just a tiny bit, and today is better than yesterday.

That's what kept me going.
May the long time sun shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you,
Guide your way on.

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elementalheart
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Re: My heart is shattered...

Postby elementalheart » 24 Dec 2014, 13:56

I was 11 when my dad died suddenly and I imagine my mum felt something like you did. With the caveat that this is personal to my experience, it may be time to NOT be strong for the children. To let them share the pain of this time when most folk are or pretend to be happy in loving families and you and they feel the loss again. My mum never learned how to grieve WITH, only to be strong on the surface which left me bereft of not one but both parents. She did the same with her own terminal illness when I was mid 40s, never sharing fears or asking for company or help, she didn't even tell me when she reached the terminal diagnosis so I was working hundreds of miles away oblivious when she died, just a phone call 15 or so minutes before she died from a nurse suggesting I should come. It broke me both times. My brother's death hardly registered a few months later.

Maybe there is a reason for my history and maybe not. But I think being strong for children isn't always good for the children or the bereaved person. Biological or not, your kids lost a father, again.

At the time the grief was perhaps too intense to share without scaring them that you might be suicidal but I reckon they were already scared of losing you at that point. Now and future spiral moments, Christmas, his birthday, the anniversary etc, let them in a little, do something together those days to mark them. So they know you haven't forgotten him, or them, or the day.

The first anniversary is the worst, an ordinary day with terrible memories. I wouldn't expect too much before then, but it does start to ease once you've passed each milestone once. Just take the good days as a gift and bear the rest as you can, that's all I can offer. But you are never alone. And that can be shared with children, if nothing else.
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